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Favorite Review

My Pride And Joy

Sometimes you're just inspired... and sometimes you're just pissed off. At any rate, here are a few of my favorite reviews from those days when my logarhythms were up... or whatever.

Rantings on Awesomeness:

400 Blows, The (1959)
I hate Les 400 Coups because it calls me a poseur, but it's not a snob. It invites you to share what it has to offer, to understand it, to digest it.

A Christmas Story (1983)
Ah family... a clear reminder of the reason we get an extra day off on the holidays we have to spend with them - to make up for day we wasted.

A Scanner Darkly (2006)
The funny moments serve to let us know why the fight is worth fighting: humour is important in life, yet these people don't see the humour in their own lives.

Don't Look Now (1973)
What Don't Look Now should be praised for is the atmosphere that is so perfect as to teach valuable lessons about suspense in cinematographic style.

It's A Wonderful Life (1946)
If you're blind, there's this thing called Descriptive Video now, and because of all the grand speeches and amazing dialogue, you most likely will not be missing much. Also I don't know how you're reading my blog.

Rear Window (1954)
At one point I turned to Girlfriend of Squish, gagging, telling her how Hitchcock should stop overfeeding me perfection. I almost puked.

Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom (1975)
What makes me want to discuss this particular picture at length? Mostly because I was left with a completely bittersweet aftertaste after having seen it.

The Secret Agent (1996)
Finally a period piece that puts you right there, in the period.

The Tragedy Of Macbeth (1971)
Limbs and blood and deformed sky-clad witches cackle in the harsh weather of the moors while the viscous vicious brew they concoct brings forth gory visions of babies torn from the bellies of their mothers.

The Wizard of Oz (1939)
Anyone who hasn't seen this yet can be easily spotted: hunched shoulders, dark circles around the eyes, a pale complexion and a constant guttural growl indicative of a vacant soul.

Awesome Rants:

Air Bud: World Pup (2000)
A movie made for pre-teens should not include 14-year-olds engaging in pre-marital coitus rituals. It turns my stomach to see children running around with their breasts bouncing in slow motion.

Bloodsuckers (2005)
This film prides itself in showcasing the classic sci-fi entourage: cramped ships, big guns and a system of blinking lights so intricate you can almost not tell that they're Christmas lights under plastic wrap.

The Crying Game (1992)
I'd rather talk about the truth, namely the intense audience manipulation leading up to and stemming from Fergus nearly getting a mouthful of Peter and Dil's pickled peppers.

Cujo (1983)
Dogs die when locked in hot cars. Cujo, Stephen King's rabid St-Bernard, is getting even on all those dog owners with some poetic vengeance.

Daybreak (1939)
He loves her, she has secrets... This is my care face.

Good Guys Wear Black (1978)
Starring Chuck Fucking Norris, that's right. He sucks. You heard me.

Jack The Ripper (1976)
I rented this from an obscure independent, as research, on Jack the Ripper. Guess what? Instead of finding what I was looking for, I found what can safely be, after decades of film watching, the worst movie EVER.

Gertrud (1964)
Love like an open, sensitive nerve that never wanes, that cannot be interrupted, not even for the time it takes to go to work or go to the bathroom. In short, Gertrud is a demanding, clingy attention-seeker who dumps her husband when he gets a chance at becoming Cabinet Minister, because clearly he cares about his job and his own life more than he does for his wife - at this particular point in time.

The Ghouls (2003)
The best part was the kid with Down's syndrome doing DeNiro's famous "you talkin' to me" Taxi Driver monologue.

Johnny Guitar (1954)
The mood is "how big can I make my penis without stepping on it myself?" Even the women sprout cocks for this one.

King Kong (2005)
I'm surprised they didn't hop in a Mini and drive through the underbrush.

Last Year At Marienbad (1961)
At least some stumbling drunk Austrian art critic didn't slap you with a glove.

Limelight (1952)
It is truly a gift to have an actress be able to believably portray electrocution. The unfortunate thing, however, is that in no scene is she actually BEING electrocuted.

Mac And Me (1988)
Imagine a lanky, melanoma-laden Progeria sufferer, then put them in Auschwitz for six months, and you'll begin to grasp the horror we're faced with in this malignant haunting package.

Maya Deren: Experimental Films (1943-1958)
At this level, she's not doing it for us, she's just showing off her pretention.

Profondo Rosso (1975)
He promptly rushes upstairs, molests the crime scene and calls the suspiciously inept / ineptly suspicious cops. Enter sassy female journalist / love interest / suspect / dirty slut / valued ally / red herring / whatever.

Phantasm (1979)
Terrible! Terrible! Terrible! TERRIBLE! Terrible!

Purple Rain (1984)
Seriously? You nailed her once! The boink:slap ratio has certainly not even come close to having been met! You'd have to hump her at least five times before being able to get away with her even thinking about staying after you smacked her in the mouth like that! Come ON!

Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)
We will not see films like these anymore, they are part of a breed of machismo that was folded up with a blood-soaked flag.

Robocop 2 (1990)
If it's one thing I've realized after two years of writing reviews, it's that the preconception of a film will often guide many people to conclusions enough that they need be addressed by the critic before the critic can be taken seriously.

Return To Oz (1985)
This is the beginning of the Corporate Disney, and this is the end of an era of integrity.

Souvenir Of Canada (2005)
No moose, no Inuits, no CN Tower, no photos of the vast endless landscapes of the Rockies. Just an Ookpik, some corn syrup, Dad's cookies and Kraft Dinner. What a dick. Thanks for reminding me how much we're turning into America.

To Catch a Thief (1955)
Cary Grant in a Bohemian-striped burglar shirt serving quiche Lorraine and speaking French is more a test of his manhood and courage in the face of poofterdom than a study of his talent.

Viva Las Vegas (1964)
I understand that people danced a particular way in the 60s that might not be considered... attractive... today, but for God's sake don't add seizure-face to the electrocution dance.

The Wiz (1978)
To have happy moments in the streets, passing piles of garbage and graffiti as they merrily sang. OK, look, this is FANTASY, that mean ESCAPING the reality that you live in New Jersey.

 

Other Lovely Rants:

Favorite Movie Characters Meme, started by ... ME!!

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