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Squish's Best And Worst (Winter 2009)

Hey Kiddies!

Well it's been a while since I've done one of these, and there's something rewarding in watching my list of favourite things grow. Oh and I also love getting a nice healthy hate hard-on… Sorry I've been watching way too much "Generation Kill", I'm turning Marine-potty-mouth.

It's pretty simple. What I do is tell you what my 5 top-rated film reviews have been since last time, and I tell you why. Then I poop on five films too. I'll skip my recent post of my favourite movie ever, Requiem For a Dream, since it's actually a review that's been dug up out of the archives.

The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford 96% (My Baby Shot Me Down)

Jesse jAMES

I would not call myself a buyer of movies, or a movie collector. I do the Netflix thing, I totally dig the lovely little independent Invisible Cinema, I borrow films from the library, and when I do decide to buy a series or a film, it has to fit a certain criterion: 'NEED TO HAVE' favourites that I can use as part of the showcase of my life, which I will pay the full price for very rarely, MAYBE twice a year. The other more common purchases fall under 'WANT TO SEE under 5 bux'. If it's less than the cost of a rental, it's juicy. The $2.99 bucket bin at Zellers has actually been quite good to the Hecklefest crowd. The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford is without a doubt a film so gorgeous in every way that it obviously belongs on Blu-Ray, and belongs on my shelf. Only 4 movies have ever hit the 96% mark on my site, and yes, I'm quite confident putting this next to Apocalypse Now  and Sympathy For Lady Vengeance on the quality scale. Do yourself a favour and find out why this Historical Western Drama is so incredible.

Alien / Aliens 94% (Or Cause Good Movies Don't MAKE People Scream...)

Obviously a no-brainer, the first two Alien films are as epic Sci-Fi as 2001: A Space Odyssey. Aliens also gets the added bonus of being one of the few blockbuster films that are debatably better than the original (Godfather, Terminator, Alien). Personally, I prefer the original in each case, but I won't deny their awesome-itude. The linked review isn't so much about the movie itself. I figure there's enough out in the multiverse about this one that I thought instead to write about everyone's favourite Xenomorph and its origins.

Raging Bull 92% (Rage On)

Another no brainer decision, Raging Bull is currently #72 on IMDB's Top 250. It's a film that's great drama, and with 8 Oscar nominations and 2 wins including best actor, well there you go. This tale of a boxer's struggle with himself, the ring and his family is a nice piece of cinema.

Inglourious Basterds 90% (Trouly Glourious)

For those of you who are going to accuse me of being a Tarantino whore, well yeah I have a page dedicated to him, and yeah he's one of my top 3 directors, but um, that's because he makes quality film like this one. It's a Tarantino film that shows that he can go into the dramatic while remaining in the cool - that he's maturing as a writer and delving into lovely other realms while not straying far from his core.

The Apartment 90% (Don't Stay Cooped up)

I've seen other films written by Billy Wilder: Sunset Boulevard, Ace in The Hole (which has one of my favourite characters ever in it) and now The Apartment. Why the Hell I don't have a Billy Wilder page is a question that is increasingly burning a hole into my temple. The Apartment was the last nail in the coffin to tell me that I need to make my next 'body of work' study the films of auteur extraordinaire, Billy Wilder.

And now, as promised, the worst (films) my site has to offer.

Roadkill 60% (Toss To The Roadside)

Canadiana - some of you might think mountains and the glory of nature, others might be huge d-bags and think Canada means Kraft Dinner and Dad's cookies. When I think of Canadian Film, I think 'the boom mic only hits a guy in the head once per film'. Roadkill is that calibre of Canadian film. Ouch.

Vampyr 58% (A Total Drain)

It may very well have been this film that was the catalyst to this post. It was one of those films that made me ask myself, "Hey how many MORE movies have I seen lately that I hated so much as this?" It's absolutely gorgeous and absolutely plotless and the linked review is actually more an apology to the 1001 Movies Film Club.

The Burning Soil 58% (Not So Hot)

I'm a completist. If I decide 'Oh My God this director is awesome' and go so far as to whip up a little page on my site for him, then it's too late to turn back. F.W. Murnau is one of these uber-bittersweet filmmakers. You know him as the director of Nosferatu. My favourite silent film ever is his The Last Laugh (oh I remember when that title came up in a game of Balderdash, it was awesome). Half of his films are precious gold. The other half, sadly are just not my cup of tea. Overall I'll keep looking for his beautiful imagery amongst his celluloid, but I'll go in knowing that much of his stuff is just out of date melodrama.

Phantom 56% (Only Half There)

Remember two seconds ago when I mentioned how F.W. Murnau was awesome and I was honour-bound to watch his entire body of work? Then I went and said, "Yeah, sometimes that means not liking some things he made." This was even worse than Burning Soil...

Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000  74% / 44% (Huge Budget Directed Into The Toilet)

Whenever I drift around the blogosphere and see critics reviewing movies like 2012 and Baby Geniuses and add how SURPRISED they were at the fact that it wasn't good, I can't help but roll my eyes and say "Well Duuuuh". As for me, I go out of my way to not only refrain from reviewing those middle-of-the-road mainstream 'let's give interns something to learn on' films, but I actually try to NOT WATCH them.


The flip side of this terrible coin is that I watch bad movies every single weekend with a select group of friends who like to suffer with me. What's awesome about this is that we never expect more than putrid terribleness. Sometimes we're on a roll and we get genuinely witty at the mockery that ensues. Battlefield Earth is one such film. You know it's bad, everyone says it's bad, and I watched it in SPITE. And in that bacchanalian context, we even kind of liked it. Do NOT make the mistake of going out and doing something so stupid as watching this just cause it's on blu-Ray. It ain't pretty no matter what you do…unless it's point and laugh.

And there you have it. Awesome and Terrible, all concluded with Awesomely Terrible. Have a great... whatever you want, Kiddies!


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