Tripping Stardust Through Fetid Film XIII - Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000) * Worst Hit *

That's right, Jonny. You take that top billing, and you LIKE IT.

Genre: Action Sci-Fi

Starring: Barry Pepper (Saving Private Ryan • The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada), John Travolta (Pulp Fiction • Face/Off)

Directed By: Roger Christian (Underworld • Masterminds)

Overview: Battlefield Earth is the story of a barbarian human with one decent brain cell going up against the technologically superior yet evil, conniving, backstabbing giants called the Psychlos. Just in case you had a doubt, they're the bad guys in this one and no there is no nuance to them, there's no 'maybe they have some sensitive qualities that may explain or liken this race of invaders to ours'. And on top of it all, they don't even have the sense to shorten a word like Man-Animal to 'Manimal'. 

Taglines:
Prepare For Battle
Take Back The Planet
Prepare to go Psychlo

Where do I go from here? Do I extol the virtues of L. Ron Hubbard, madman inventor of Scientology and author of the novel Battlefield Earth, an obvious parallel of the humans fighting back against the Scientology's Satan, the evil Xenu? Nah. Let's go the route of exposition shall we?

Earth is a little runty worthless planet that was long ago blowed up and conquered by the Psychlos. Their reason for being on the planet: to obtain the universe's most valuable resource - gold. Spielbergian lead-you-by-the-nose storytelling never had it so good.

Now usually I would flip off the guard on my rage trigger right about now at the time wasted on this, but this time we watched Battlefield Earth Colon Ridiculously Redundantly Long Title Tacked On as part of our weekly trip to the bottom of the barrel, a schlock out with our cock out, Hecklefest. So instead of pointing out how terrible this was, let me tell you about how wicked awesome it is!

Barry Pepper, John Travolta and Forest Whitaker, proven masters of their craft, manage to clearly insult any and all acting coaches they've ever had when they don either animal skins or ogre-hands and oversized dreadlock heads. With scenes like tense conversations that could result in death taking place on miniputt courses, and John Travolta getting mad cause he bonked his head on a ceiling, the story itself is an obvious unintentional self-mockery, which makes the viewer often feel embarrassed, and that's a humbling feeling everyone needs to experience more often.

Best Scene Ever?

Without a doubt the one where the humans come up with an escape plan. Barry believes he has the upper hand. Travolta asks him, "and what makes you think we would just let you go?" The small group of humans jump into action, appearing with alien guns pointed at the disbelieving Psychlo. They wildly begin pulling the triggers only to discover that the guns aren't working.

"Don't you stupid humans know anything?" I paraphrase. "We never store our guns with ammunition in them, that's basic firearm safety", Travolta says in his uppity tone. And there I was, "actually yeah, that's proper safety and storage of firearms in our universe too Psychlo!" It's good to know that there's some things we do the same...

Suggested Drinking Games for Battlefield Earth:

Take a drink when:

John Travolta angrily barks a 'witty' stupid human observation

You see a close up of the Psyclo's stupid hands

Huge long tongues shoot out of Psyclo craws

Whenever you hear the word Man-Animal

Take 2 drinks when Travolta screams about Lunch

Yeah you won't be sober but you shouldn't quite die

Lessons Learned from Battlefield Earth:

Firearms safety is universal!

Dreadlocks don't always make you look sexy, even if your tongue can shoot out 3 feet.

The tramp stamp on a Psychlo woman is on her big-ass forehead.

I've said enough without even starting in on those effin' codpieces

Performance: 4 Cinematography: 7 Script: 3 Plot: 3 Mood: 5

(A huge Budget salvages the look, but the direction is obviously toilet)

Heckleometer - how awesome it is when you plan a good time with a bad film

Performance: 8 Cinematography: 7 Script: 8 Plot: 7 Mood: 7

(Constant reminders of attrocious characterization and delivery with the most laughable of plots makes for a leave-your-brain-at-the-door good time)

Overall Rating: 74% (Don't Explode In your Pantz)

Aftertaste:

It's all about the Travolta. He constantly talks about his status and his education, his intellect, but every sentence out of is mouth is delivered like a Manopaused prissy bitch. His character conveys absolutely no presence. He demands things like a tantrumming child, and honestly, I'm not entirely convinced this wasn't on purpose… I can't decide if that makes the film better for the heckle or worse. Throw in a smattering of the theme of Planet of the Apes and plot elements you whipped up when you were seven and you have what could very well be the perfect mix of terrible awesomeness.