The best fun you'll have squirming awkwardly
Hidey Ho Kiddies!
It's been quite a while since I gave you the run down of the stinkiest schlockiest films I've seen lately, and... frankly I've missed sharing. Hopefully this will help us both grow as emotional beings:
Eyes of the Werewolf (1999) Werewolf Horror with a hint of Sexploitation
: Doing a bit of research into this film, I've come to discover that Stephanie Beaton
seems to be the next up and comer in the world of pathetically awkward starlets. She's got a healthy collection of roles under her belt, and even a few films directed by her, which will guarantee glorious gawkings of garbage in the future. With titles like Blood Gnome
and Bikini Planet
, it's bound to be a bucket of awesome. Eyes of the Werewolf
is the story of a man who, since his recent eye transplant, feels the need to don a rubber werewolf mask and stick-on 'hairy hands' and run around terrorizing the neighbourhood. Stephanie Beaton
plays his weird sex partner, and by that I don't mean that she's weird, but that their sex is aaaaawkwaaaaard. Imagine you're having sex - I know it's a stretch, but try - and someone starts yelling "No! Sexier! Be sexier! Raise your hands up in the air for no reason while you ride that ding dong!"
and then you get all self-conscious? Distil that mood right there, and there you have every sex scene in Eyes Of the Werewoof
. Sister Sexpot with her huge eyes and even bigger boobles doesn't pull off natural, either in look or in act. That alone is worth a gander, but there's more! There is a mystery! The doctor who transplanted 'the eyes that grow a rubber head' seems to have some shady sources for his ocular implants! Hey Doc? Mental note for next time: it's easier to go after hobos
and street crazies
than actual werewolves. You'd think the constant maimings of your hoods would clue you in. Either way, Eyes of the Werewolf
is awkwardly directed enough to let you laugh at it, stupid enough to let you laugh with it, and short enough that you won't get bored at it..
Best Scene Ever? The first sex scene is pretty amazing, and so is the first time we see those werewolf effects with Christmas lights for eyes (yes, really), but the opening credits have got to take the cake for setting expectations. As camcorder-class credits appear on the screen, we see bubbling, smoking containers with eyes floating in them. These containers are nothing more than 2-litre Coke bottles with the bottoms cut out of them, green food colouring and dry ice. The credits linger over this image, shot from multiple angles for minutes, promising us the most horrible of horrors. Definitely an amazing time.
The Room (2003) Drama Romance
: Poor Tommy Wiseau
. He's a director who managed to make a movie that is now making it big in the 'worst movie ever' category, fighting Troll 2
tooth and nail to get its much deserved acclaim, and don't take it from me, even ABC did a news piece on it
. As plots go, it's about as boring as any love triangle. Big-headed Johnny meets questionably beautiful Lisa. They've been together for years and he treats her like a princess, but she's bored and although their wedding date is fast approaching, she seduced big-head's best friend. Clash - Drama - Consequence - Roll Credits. But what The Room
lacks in originality, it makes up in madness. In short, the characters make absolutely no sense. Character arcs range from shallow and improbable, to outright idiotic. here's a few examples: Lisa's mother reveals she has breast cancer, but instead of unveiling dramatic potential, she talks about her upcoming treatment like one would if getting a mole removed. The topic never comes up again. Another scene has Lisa and Johnny engaging in a pillow fight as a prelude to sex, only to have Denny, the orphan boy that Johnny has befriended, join in until having to be told by Johnny that it's inappropriate, you know the way you'd have to tell a Down's Syndrome kid. .
Best scene ever? What makes The Room great is how frequently the quotable quotes and bad acting come up, but nothing stands out like the scene where Johnny goes to the roof to vent, and in the same breath as he shouts about the injustice, he nonchalantly greets his friend in his endearingly freakish Cajun-Belgian accent, "I dih-dant heet Lisa! I dih-dant doo eet! Why would she say dat!? Oh hi, Mahk".
Come on! He's so seductive!
Whenever something becomes so special, there's usually someplace to go on the internet where one can learn about it, but when they make their own website
, it becomes a thing so rare that it must be shared. Don't forget to click on the candles, kiddies! And yes, you read right.
Sleepaway Camp (1983) Horror Thriller
: Take an 80s summer camp slasher, add really tight red Speedos, great gore, characters whose personalities are so appalling that there is never a mystery as to who's going to get it in the neck, and a most terrifying climactic scene that reveals the mystery in grand style and you have yourself Sleepaway Camp
, a genuinely fun and perfectly dated piece of schlock.
Best scene ever? Two others guests of mine found the final shot to be a most terrifying image, a worthy and dramatic conclusion of a Who-Done-It mystery, but nothing beats that first kill. As camp staff watch the twelve-year-olds come off the bus, one lascivious cook smirks saying, "mmm that looks mighty tasty, no such thing as too young for me." Wow, yeah. Surely he's a dead man, but imagine my surprise when Sleepaway Camp actually goes so far as to have him corner one of the kids in a back room and start unzipping his pants - it's just farcical. The way mister kiddie-creep cook gets it is by getting a pot of boiling water dumped on his head, oh the memories! There he lies on the ground screaming. he takes a deep breath and keeps screaming. Then, another breath and more screaming. It goes on, over and over, for so long that you can't help but laugh as his face starts to pustule and rupture right there on screen.
Fun viewing kiddies!