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Tripping Stardust Through Fetid Film - Part VIII - HECKLEFEST!


AIR BUD?! The HORROR!!Hello Kiddies,
Here we are in my 8th installment of sharing with you my deep Schlock-appreciation and I just realized that I've hoarded all my wisdom!  My sincerest apologies!  Allow me to rectify this problem immediately and share with you the keys to the Kingdom of the Heckle. Today I will give unto thee the secrets of making a nigh-perfect trash sinema night. In honour of the upcoming 3rd Annual White Elephant Blog-O-Thon being held on April 1st, I thought I'd help you all make the suffering an actual enjoyable experience.
All you bloggers participating in the 'Thon out there, take heed, this may save your sanity.
Step 1. Gather Round.
Make sure that you have a nice compliment of friends. If you've surrounded yourself with kitchy, showtune-loving gay men, no one will judge, but you know what you're in for. Alternately, if everyone but you is into Fulci-class zombie-gore, well, what did you expect out of tonight's screening? Numbers wise, my personal 'Fest experience proves that at least 4 viewers make it best. Cap yourself at comfortable seating capacity, especially if you're planning a three-title marathon.
Step 2. Chose Tonight's Fare.
This step is most likely going to be the bitch of the bunch. This most complicated decision can keep you in viewing limbo for literally hours. Yes, in the early days of Hecklefest, the 'man with the movies' would come over and splay about a dozen and a half titles on the floor and I'd be all "Stuart Gordon's The Beyond!" and the girls would say "Nah, not that but I don't know what I want... who wants more wine?" Then the 'man with the movies' would give us a brief synopsis of each film always tossing in a colourful opinion: "This looks batshit INSAAAAANE!", which honestly took a frikken long time. Of course we enjoyed the banter, yes indeed, but we weren't actually watching movies.
But have no fear! I've sorted it all out, this problem! It's even red-bloodedly democratic. If your viewing is going to be a one-time, no-prep meet-at-the-video store sort of thing with like-minded individuals who quickly agree to things, then the Squish approach to picking a movie may be sufficient.  But remember, indie stores are the best for having cool-bad films made earlier than 2005. If you have a larger group of immovably stubborn elites (ahem) and you might actually plan such an event as this on a relatively regular basis, then you might want my über-sophisticated voting method.  It's like Jesus it's so magic! You can do this with as few as two movies, or, in the case of our group - from a film list 75 titles long. Thank you. I would agree that that's mighty impressive, you're too kind.
First, have the group chose the movies you want to see: Charles Bronson Moustachioed 80s action? 80s Clooney comedy like Return of the Killer Tomatoes? Hong Kong Ninja Zombies? Maybe just a nice awkward romantic musical drama - you know like Purple Rain? Anything you want to see that sounds retarded is A-Ok, with outright vetoes reserved only for films already seen. Then buy, eBay, download and Netflix the hell out of all the titles you want to see. Compile the list in an easy to read format (I use a private page on my site, including photos, directors and brief descriptions), then everyone participating votes on the ones they want to see. Here's the system we use:
 Rambo 3 gets 2 makes 5
Each person indicates their First, Second, and Third choice of film from those available.
First choice earns 3 points
Second choice earns 2 points
Third choice earns 1 point
Points are also added for every additional voter who selected the same film. (eg.: +2 points for 3 total voters)
The film or films with the highest score wins!
In the event of a tie, the film voted on by the most people will have priority.
Should there still be a tie, the host gets to chose from those tied.
After viewing, the scores stay and and before the next event everyone votes again, adding new points to existing scores! It's beautiful.
You can even use these voting techniques with an 'actually good film' theme night too! But who would want to?
Step 3. Sobriety is optional. 

s a matter of fact, yes. That IS David Hasselhoff pissed out of his gourd
As a matter of fact, yes. That IS David Hasselhoff pissed out of his gourd
Drinking makes you funny. More importantly, other people drinking makes you funny. Also, nothing beats whipping up drinking games during a screening. In fact, I have a whole post devoted just to Hecklefest drinking games, which includes such cues as 'Ding - Dong - Drink' and 'Teleporting Ninjas'. 
Step 4. Enjoy
Appropriate behaviour during Hecklefest is as follows:

Heckle the shite out of it; it's a bad movie.
Conversely, comments of awesome praise are encouraged for good bits.


Should a title actually really not deliver the awesome badness expected, raise your hand. With a majority vote, the film jumps into fast forward mode. Pick your own restart point - next scene, car chase, explosion, gore, or our personal favorite: Boob Alert.
Now honestly, how would you prefer to watch Karate Dog? Seriously.
woof dude. Woof.

 Of course, if you're doing some serious reviewing, as is required of the 3rd Annual White Elephant Blog-O-Thon, no fast-forwarding allowed!
| | |

"Bitch of the bunch"??!! That phrase has now entered my daily vocab.

And you're not going to believe this, but we were *this* close to watching Purple Rain a couple weeks ago at our triple feature. I think I've got to find a way to fit it in for next time!

"Bitch Of The Bunch" actually refers to a line that Gandolfini uses in True Romance... remember? AND HOLY SHIT YOU HAVE HIM AS YOUR FAVOURITE ACTOR OF THE MOOONTH! EEEEEEEE!

Purple Rain. Seriously in top 3 of my 299 Hecklfest Movies - no Bullshit.

(The other two are Street Trash and Forbidden Zone).

The White Elephant Blog-O-Thon is not happening April 1st this year, I was told. Do you have a lead on where it's happening? cause it's not being done at the usual place. Also I'm submitting Cop And A Half for it, so hells yeah I'm doing it.

You want to squeeze Prince in? You could do a diminutive actors film! That way you can have Prince, Van Damme and dwarves all in the same night! or whatever other shorties you like. Personally I like how your selections end up being:

1st film - in line with the theme;

2nd film - in line with the theme;

3rd fiiiiiilm, yeah whatever. :P

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