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Tripping Stardust Through Fetid Film - Part VII - Boob Alert

Hi there kiddies!

Today we'll be talking about a lovely little development in the evolution that is Hecklefest, (a weekly social adventure into a schlock-out with my cock out). I will begin by revealing a terrible secret to you all: sometimes we watch movies that big-time suck. And when that happens, a majority vote of those in the room is all it takes to end the suffering to kick the film into Fast-Forward (oh it's fun when the guy holding out leaves the room to go to the toilet). Amidst these moments we've discovered there's one key phrase that may be shouted out to immediately cease the fast forwarding. Those two words are:
"Boob Alert!"

Over the past few weeks we've discovered that there exists a subtle nuance to each alert, which we've likened to the 'baseball base' rules. Hecklefest Boob Alert rules are as follows:

First Base aka "In a nice shirt".
ACTUAL Google images search result for 'Nice Shirt'

ACTUAL Google images search result for 'Nice Shirt'


This level one alert is as good as any to immediately cause some rewinding. Under nigh -nimaginable suffering would Hecklefest spectators still warrant a continuation of the double arrows of advancement found on the remote. Important to note is the difference between merely having 'a woman' on the screen versus having 'a buxom madam with a nice shirt on'.  To clarify, said 'nice shirt' is not to be defined as a stylish Cosby sweater, no maam. 'Nice shirt' refers specifically to cleavage-sporting, form-fitting attire, or even cinematographic angles beneficial to horning up the attendees present.

Second Base aka "The Zinger"

Actual Google images search result for 'Sideboob'
Actual Google images search result for 'Sideboob'

The Level Two alert may very well cause a delay in refilling a glass of wine when called out. The Zinger is all about near-nude content. This includes silhouettes, sideboobage sans areola, wet T-shirts or a nip slip (as you may know from such iconic examples as Columbia's character in The Rocky Horror Picture Show).

Third Base or simply "Tit!"

 Actuall Google Image... was there any doubt?!
Actual Google Image search for... wait... was there any doubt?!
Also, I like that she's enjoying a nice tea.

Easily explained, this is the doubtless presence (presents?) of breast. I'm talking red-blooded American full-on tonay with nip... who am I kidding? We Canadians are a multi-cultural nation and don't discriminate unto the nationality of chesticles. A shout of 'Third Base!' will easily cause people smoking expensive Cohibas outside to smash them out on the balcony and run in for a glimpse of the bare-assed tit.

What can possibly top genuine nudity, you ask? Homerun, kiddies, Out Of The Park!

Homerun "Jesus H Hot"

 Shower Tits... sadly Hot Jesus just reveals gay Jesus pron
'Shower Tits' search result... sadly 'Hot Jesus' just reveals gay Jesus pron

honestly this grade of jug presence is usually not what we seek in a night of Z-Grade cinema, but from time tio time, it must happen. Homerun breastesses may warrant re-rewinding for re-rewatching, as often as it takes. The classic, entirely gratuitous slow pan up a soapy bath via the lower extremities or a shower scene where we witness the lady in her natual habitat, that being, of course spending time pouting lips and crushing their mammaries together while batting their eyelashes.  PM Entertainment's Skycraper starring Anna Nicole Smith is probably the single most poignant example of this honest display of womankind. 

In closing it is important to note that some Hecklefest members like to overly anticipate or declare the Boob alert for their own personal gains. Certain questions that point to other ends include:

  • Does the same person keep shouting out "BOOB ALERT" for a movie they genuinely want to see rather than allowing their film selection pass by them in fast forward?
  • Does a normally keen-eyed individual declare Boobage only in situations where we're really only seeing a lady in a hat, or engaging in 'shoulders and up' PG-13 Disney-sex where all one sees is moaning faces and silhouettes?
  • Is the person shouting out 'tits' actually talking about the squirrels humpin' on the tree outside?

    Right. Calling foul at these declarations is important to do early since repeated incidences may render certain members' Boob Alerts moot. Nobody likes crying wolf.

Finally, there's the unfortunately declared, potentially embarrassing, precociously declared Boob alert. Still to this day, months later, I've not been able to live down the exclamations of "HOOOO YEAH" during a particularly boring PM Entertainment film, the Post-apocalyptic Steel Frontier.

A slow pan revealed the back of a shirtless, svelte individual. The cinematography seemed to attempt a certain allure as it began a close up of two people together in private. Three seconds later, we see the young petite woman was in fact a twelve year old boy.

 Never make the same mistake twice
Never make the same mistake twice


Let that be a lesson to you when you use the Boob alert in your film viewings. Cheer only when you know you're getting what you want, not because you hope... otherwise... it could get awkward.

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Just came across this one after a LONG time not visiting...that was fuckin' hilarious!


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