Tripping Stardust Through Fetid Film - Part VI

Three time the Moustache!

Well hello again kiddies,

So soon we return to what has become one of my favorite segments on this little site I call the Filmsquish. For those of you who aren't 'in the know', let me break it down quickly for you. Every Friday in the land of Squish, I attend what I have named Hecklefest (a weekly social adventure into a schlock-out with my cock out). We drink, eat, and watch bad movies, all while yelling insults at the screen and somehow tend to avoid missing the subtle nuances of subtext... but usually there isn't any, so no harm no foul.

Hecklefest isn't about the high art, my friends. But it is about interactive film night - cheesy Kung-Fu movies, low-budget Italian Horror or 80s action flicks, all up for grabs. Yes, this event is often painful, though sometimes one may just find awesomeness beyond compare. So it is time I tell you again what three films need to be noticed while gazing at the goo stuck to the side of the bottom of the barrel.

Death Wish 3 (1985) Bronsonian Action Crime Drama: Charles Bronson, the mustachioed machismo metaforce is at it again. Less gritty (and thankfully less full of graphic unending rape) than the original and its sequel, Death Wish 3 goes just over the top enough to be fun, while still not tipping overboard into the Death Wish 4 realm - featuring a rocket launcher fight in a roller rink - or Death Wish 5, which includes death by cannelloni and death by random vat of acid, but I digress.

Death Wish 3 is the one where Paul Kersey, vigilante architect, discovers his old friend murdered by a group of young thugs. The gang has the neighborhood in its clutches and the police don't have the manpower or the ability to bring 'proper justice' to town. Enter the architect, gun in hand, ready to clean up the streets by mowing down hoods one by one, honorable like, you know, like shooting a purse-snatcher in the back with a .44. That's what I call Justice!

Best scene ever? Eventually Bronson gains a following and the town rallies behind him, sparking an all out war. Even children join in, laughing as they jump on criminals mauled by a plethora of traps. Wait I need to add another: the scene where Bronson opens fire with an old WWII relic of a .30 caliber machine cannon. No, no he doesn't need the tripod, it's Charles Bronson, dumbass.

Budget - Death Wish is a franchise, and hence it got some real dough, especially if you consider all the guns they used. Don't be mistaken however, the research department didn't get one red cent. Those punks' outfits... ouch. Just, ouch...

It's awesome!

Three mummies are certainly better than Mummy 3, or so I hear...

Boxer's Omen (1983) Fantasy Horror: When a boxer gets severely injured in the ring, he asks his brother, Chan Hung, to avenge him. On his way to Thailand, Chan is drawn by mystical signs to a Buddhist temple where a spirit explains that there is curse on his family. With the spirit's help Chan prepares himself for the upcoming battles against the evil necromancer.

Yadda, Yadda. Whatever. This whole movie is batshit insane. You have to see it to believe it.

Best scene ever? This is one of those films where it's really not about one scene. The moments of black magic versus Buddhist prayer are plentiful, each of which are more fantastical than the last. Having said that, if you stuck a gun to my head I'd have to say an extended battle sequence where the necromancer summons things to attack the praying monk. Wave after wave of new attack, of new creature is sent at him until the sorcerer gets down and dirty himself by tearing off his own head and going at the monk with neck sinew tendrils!

Budget - Really decent. How they go from scenes with puppets for spiders and bats to real-life crocodiles getting carved open to have zombie women put into their carcasses, I don't know, but the gore is great. Then there's the occasional surprise of having gorgeous sets like grandiose Buddhist temples. Real quality.

Jesus my Lord Bruce Lee Fights Back From The Grave (1979) Kung-Fu Action Exploitation: And then there's this. First of all, it's the sort of exploitation cinema that gives it a bad name, namely exploiting the death of someone like Bruce Lee, then using their name to sell your shit without even coming close to hinting that credit has been given where it was due. How do I know this? Because the film stars Bruce Lea, and the film opens with a Styrofoam grave with Bruce Lee's name on it. Right away lightning hits the grave, and an Asian dude in blue jeans leaps out of said grave, ready in his fighting stance. Before you can ask, "what the jumpin Jesus just happened?", the bass groove starts and the picture to your left pops up, usurping the question and adding, "What IS that thing?" Not to ruin the story for you, but that thing is absolutely nothing. Don't get your hopes up because there is actually no bald-headed, eyepatch-wearing hairy man-bat with one testicle sitting on the Eiffel tower in this film, however there is some pretty sweet British overdubbing and some random animalistic kung-fu noises escaping Bruce's lips as he prepares to punch and kick dudes. I'm pretty sure I even heard yipping a couple times! Add overexaggerated acting and blocking and you're dancing.

Best scene ever? Hmm. Well it's hard to top a blue-jeaned Bruce leap out of a grave and have it hold absolutely no context to the rest of the film, but it really stays good/bad after that. Aside from scene after scene of Bruce carrying his friend's ashes around his neck with the dead dude's framed picture on it, I guess I'd have to go with the story the girl tells about the horrible scene she witnessed that kickstarts the plot. As we delve into her flashback, we see the men she describes: "Five men came in. A Chinese, a black man, a white man, a Mexican, and a Cowboy." I hurt myself laughing as I imagined the race of Swedish-looking Cowboys from the country of Cowboynia.

Budget - No my friend, no no no. At least they could afford extras. Here's a better way to put it. The love interest/girl being protected is house sitting this mansion of a place. In once scene she and Bruce are sleeping on the floor with blankets and pillows. I asked, "Why aren't they in bed?", my guest's retort was, "they couldn't afford a set with a bedroom already in it".

Then it clicked. Ouch, that my friend is G-Grade cinema.

So there you have it. The big lesson of film is this: 1976 clothing is tragically awesome.

Lookin for more Stardust? Right here kiddies.