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Tripping Stardust Through Fetid Film - Part IV

Well hello again kiddies,

Looks like I've found in my Friday night ritual something to write about. In what is sure to become a regular segment of mine, these Tripping Stardust moments are quick jabs at the good chunks of my amazingly fun interactive film night, rife with really cheesy Kung-Fu movies, low-budget Italian Horror or 80s action flicks, just to name a few Genres. Yes, this event I have named Hecklefest, my weekly social adventure into a schlock-out with my cock out is often painful, though sometimes we find awesomeness beyond compare and it's time I tell you again what three films float to the top when you shake the sludge at the bottom of the barrel.

2 stinkers is better than 1Troll 2 (1990) Horror Fantasy: At a glorious 2.0 out of a possible 10 on's user rating, Troll 2 has become infamous by making it to their Bottom 100 list, sitting pretty at #41. Troll 2 is probably the most famous of all the schleppy celluloid selections you'll see, mainly because it's famous. What I mean is, people have dumped so much devotion towards this title that it has propagated itself all over the web and rightly so. What makes Troll 2 awesome is that it's really badly acted, the situations go places that make no sense, and the most obvious clues have to be dramatized over as they're explained to death: "Nilbog! It's 'goblin' spelled backwards! This is their kingdom!" Just between you and me, I think the director and his crew knew exactly what they were doing. Just as "Superstar USA" did, just like Pink Floyd denies intention unto The Dark Side Of Oz, when asked to explain the real reason behind the production, the makers of Troll 2 probably answer with 'genuine' sincerity that it was a good production, all while hiding the true intent of their insidious minds, stifling the guffaws of laughter in their bellies.

Best scene ever? The scene everyone's seen is great, but if you ask me there's so much perfection in the first dining scene: our child hero, witness to the evil that is all the free green food in their cottage, knowing that the smörgasbord will poison them, has but a moment to stop his family from eating. His ghost of a grandfather pauses time to save his family's life. Instead of merely taking the convenient time stoppage to flip the table, what does the kid do? When time starts anew, there's our hero, standing on the table, pants around his ankles, draining the lizard all over the Nilbogian treats...

Budget - Green goo can't be that expensive. Double exposures of floating heads, not that expensive. Talent, well they were cheap... Goblin outfits though... Let's say the sets didn't wiggle too much when people touched them and be happy with that.

Finally, as everyone's said before me, and hence to which I am bound to repeat: 'there are actually no trolls in Troll 2.' Oh and if you're worried about sequel continuity, don't worry. You'll do just fine without having watched the first one.

Oh Jackie, why?! Why??

Fantasy Mission Force (1982) Action Adventure Comedy: The premise of Fantasy Mission Force is discovering the madness inherent in Hong Kong filmmakers. Begin with Nazis trying to take over the world, make the people wearing the Death's headed outfits Japanese, have them poring over battle plans that put their forces all over northern Canada and go from there. Toss in some Jackie Chan for good measure and you'll find yourself embedded in a treasure of weirdness.

Best scene ever? One of the first, where we are blatantly shown the degree of suspension of disbelief we need to be at to enjoy the film. Nazi generals honestly considering their options for which agent to use in their mission: "Who do we hire? Rambo's busy and so is Rocky, and Arnold Schwarzenegger too. Hmmm".

Budget - Tons of cars selected specifically for crashing, buildings built specifically for 'sploding... the production value is medium, but in the best possible places.

Big Boobs Buster (1999) Sexploitation Action Comedy: Grossly overplayed overdubbing, some nudity and a well-portioned 60 minutes combine to give you some good times. A woman scorned by her love interest gets angry and decides to torment all the big chested girls in her school. That'll teach them a lesson! Yet her methods aren't quite... torture.

Best scene ever? It was one of the first scenes that did it for me, when our heroine approaches the man she loves. "I want you to be my boyfriend," she says. His retort: "Well... you're smart, popular, you're a good woman, a good athlete, pretty... but einh, you're just too flat for me." Rapid cut to her broken heart, as represented by the boy slapping mouth-first into a bare tit, complete with cartoony boinging sounds. If only my heart broke like that.

Budget - If you can get access to a school, some talent for cheap and a jungle gym, all you need to recreate Big Boobs Buster is film, food, cheap costumes and you're good to go!

Until next time kiddies!

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