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Squish's Semi-Annual Best And Worst (Winter 2007)

Caught up already? Holidays are past, bills are in and life is back to being crap. What a better way to celebrate the year's most depressing days than by learning what the worst movies Squish saw in the last six months?

It's what I do.

In honour of the bleak and grim weather we Canadians will be facing for the next while, let's start with the stinkers:

The worst movies I've seen in the last six months are:

#1 - Samurai Cop - 30% (Sam I Ain't)

And this guy makes it just that much more awesome
And this guy makes it just that much more awesome

As it was with Starcrash, this 'worst' film I've seen is one of the best times I had with friends. Nothing, and I mean nothing, beats the misogyny of the 80s. 80s woman-hate has this particular flair of entitlement because it's less cruel than the blatant declarations of the 50s, of 'just stop, you're inferior'. Being a cop with a lot of hair means that when she says 'no', you can break into her house and wait for her there, because it's expected. Films like these are there for you to learn how not to be. Learn grasshopper.
#2 - No Regrets For Our Youth - 34% (Deep Regrets For Viewing, However)
What's more fun than watching people in a field? What, I ask you?
What's more fun than watching people in a field? What, I ask you?

Whenever I do a study of someone's complete works, I end up finding something worthy of the pit of despair that is my list of Worst Rated films. Sadly this is not enjoyable, it's not laughable, it's not 'fun'. It's just poor quality transfer to DVD with a terrible babel fish-grade translation. Add that the subject matter is partly propagandist and from a fairly new director, well the odds are stacked against it. Not even for completists, kids, keep away from this disappointment, even adding the fact that Kurosawa's one of my favourite directors...

#3 -Martin - 40% (SUCKS!)
wow - plastic fangs are supposed to be 'ironic'
wow - plastic fangs are supposed to be 'ironic'

Then there's this third type of bad film. No, this doesn't fall under the category of Hidden Phlegm, nor under the category of lame disappointment. Martin is the 'you seriously made me waste my money on this reeking, lame-ass, low-budget skid mark that enough people actually liked to make me think it was worthy, and makes me re-evaluate the value I held for this director?' You suck and I'm angry and all both of my readers can enjoy in my debasement of your sad pathetic attempt. That's right Carpenter, I'm talking about Dark Star. Don't think I don't see you over there... actually Dark Star was better - even with that stupid beachball alien - ouch.

#4 - Exorcist II: The Heretic - 44% (Disavow this Dogma)
One good thing: Linda Blair in her post-budding / 'hot' age
One good thing: Linda Blair in her post-blossom years

I.. kinda... forget now why I hated this... um...

Maybe you should just read the original review...

Hypnotic cans though... Oooo! Infernal! Evil!

#5 - Hotel Terminus: The Life and Times of Klaus Barbie - 46% (Barbie World? Not Fantastic)
Klaus was a horrible man... This is my care face
Klaus was a horrible man... This is my care face

Then there's Barbie. This film was about how Barbie was a bad man, and there was the awesome French Resistance, and what the French Resistance went through, and the torture the French Resistance endured, and the questioning and imprisonment the French Resistance  faced... and some guy named Barbie ran the place... but enough of that! Let's talk about all the sacrifices made by the French Resistance... A lesson to all you directors out there: if the title of your documentary is a man's name, make the documentary about the MAN NAMED, Jesus!

Hope you've learned what to stay away from Kiddies. On the upside - I've seen tons more fantastic films than bad ones, so we leave on a high note!

Here's some o' that:

#5 - Paths Of Glory - 90% (Glorious)
Oh Kubrick, why must you tempt me so?
Oh Kubrick, why must you tempt me so?
Sorry DePalma, even though technically you tied with your The Untouchables, I unfortunately grant greater value to films that are more poignant, real, and less filmic fun, like Kubrick's Paths of Glory. This left me with a sense of having experienced something truly well written with nuance while still having characters that were bold enough to deeply convey the story with strong emotion. As War films go, it's great, as tales of humanity go it's fantastic. Add Kubrick, Douglas and set it in World War I, well, what more do you need?

#4 - Throne Of Blood - 90% (Sit a Spell)
Oh Mifune, why must you be so corruptible?
Oh Mifune, why must you be so corruptible?

Whenever I do a study of someone's complete works, I end up finding something worthy of the heights of praise that is my list of Top Rated films. Though Throne of Blood may not be my favorite Kurosawan film,  it's certainly the one I found the most well-rounded in all my rated categories. And seriously, it's Shakespeare made Japanese by Japan's master director, starring one of Japan's master performers, Toshirô Mifune. Add tragic elements and you got Squish by the sac to the point that he needs to tout the praises to you readers for some release.
#3 - High Plains Drifter - 90% - (Sit A Spell)
And posters of awesomeness too
Oh Eastwood, why must your posters display such awesomeness?
I saw thing a while back, and loved it. Years later I was watching films and writing blogs and this wave suddenly hit me - Oh my God I have to see this again. It was brutal, it was anti-hero to the extreme, it was wrong and it was hard and it was the real Old West where the end result is all. it's different from your normal Western, it's no white-hatted smiling cowboy. It's about a stranger you have to trust more than the Devil you know in hopes that you can survive the coming storm. and you know, it's about as poetic as all that too, and what a great conclusion. 
#2 - Blade Runner - 92% - (Timeless)
Daryll and some plastic boobies
Daryll and some plastic boobies

Granted, this may have gotten such a bias due to the nostalgia and recall value, but isn't that what makes a great film? Hyper-cool. Dig it.

Seriously, It's Blade Runner, It's a no brainer. Why haven't you seen this? Why?

No really. Why?

#1 - The Tragedy Of Macbeth - 92% - (Tragic? Magic!)
And a most wicked-awesome full armour fight scene
And a most wicked-awesome full armour fight scene - ouch dude.

I've seen three films of Polanski's, and I can't help but realize how amazing he is. This guy is a genius of direction. This guy is gory, this film is timeless. If you like the visual spectacle, and a film that looks like you're actually in Olde Medieval Scotland, get over here and bask in the glory that is Shakespeare's spookiest, the one with a curse, the one we shall only name as 'The Scottish Play'.

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"all both of my readers"... uhh... that was me reading it twice... :P


Eh oh!

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