Tripping Stardust Through Fetid Film - Part III * Favorite Review *

Close your mouth lest it be filled with lace

Genre: Music Drama

Starring: Prince (Under the Cherry Moon • Graffiti Bridge), Apollonia Kotero

Directed By: Albert Magnoli

Overview: An up and coming musician named The Kid meets Apollonia, a singer who hopes to make it big. Between his dysfunctional family and Morris, his rival in things both musical and romantic, a turbulent life may well make fame and fortune nothing more than a pipe dream.

So here I was writing this lovely segment for Part II, when I suddenly realized how much I had to say on the topic that is Purple Rain (1984). After watching forty Hecklefest films, this is my favourite stinker so far and for that reason it will always have a special place in my heart - much to the dismay of the other members of our little viewing circle - who each detested it with biblical fury.

Yes children, the dystopia that is 1984 is upon us, for the world is indeed bleak and hair is maddeningly frizzy. Prince, the ever-effeminate pop singer stars, as does his taller (but creatively shortened though filmic machinations of creative lenses and camera placement) fame-hopeful love interest. Shoulder pads, lingerie on stage and big hair is the order of the day... and the women are extravagantly dressed too.

Something happened between then and now that made her sexy... once.. *eyebrow raise*

Best scene ever? So, so, so many, Oh My God. Hair and wardrobe aside (and no it NEVER gets old... EVER), there's a couple moments worthy of note.

1.) Prince's character, named The Kid, finally moves in for the seductive first kiss (ignore the fact that he took his new girlfriend back to his room at his mom's house - classy). He does an all too creepy Princey move, honestly exageratedly vogueing his hands like Madonna, framing the girl's face as he approaches, kicking his feet like a Spanish flamenco dancer. When he finally does kiss Apollonia, it's much the same, all poses and wet darting with some creepy flitting tongue action. Ick, ick, ick!

2.) The sweet lovemaking scene. We have our camera position at the headboard looking down towards the foot of the bed. She's standing, facing us, her hands on the bed, wearing red lingerie. Prince stands behind her one hand full of D-cup, the other working down below. Me and my crew of four all start groaning in disgust - somehow this all seems wrong. Prince moves his hand a little lower, a little more over to the side, almost showing us her entire treasure box, and our displeasure only grows in volume.

I think my buddy ACJ almost puked.

3.) The humiliation of lake Minnetonka: The Kid takes his potential love interest to the woods on his flagrant purple motorbike and tells her that he will NOT help her in her career goals. When she asks why not, he tells her that she has yet to purify herself in the waters of lake Minnetonka. She proceeds to strip to her skivvies - where we get a wonderful eyeful of her meloney chesticles - and jumps in, all while The Kid is telling her that this particular body of water isn't actually lake Minnetonka. Then he proceeds to tear off in his motorbike, leaving her wet ass in the water, in the middle of the woods - alone. Oh it's gold.

Budget - Decent, though half of it was spent on makeup, lace and that purple motorbike.

Now imagine this thing moving all over you... eeeeesh

Performance: 4 Cinematography: 6 Script: 6 Plot: 3 Mood: 10

Overall Rating: 58% (Well, It Sure Looks Like Funny Weather...)

Aftertaste:

How best to wrap up the feel of this film. Would it be the specific mood conveyed by the scene where goons chuck Apollonia in a dumpster? No, I've got better.

In a scene where The Kid gets mad and slaps Apollonia, there's a moment where she's shocked, followed by a moment where she considers staying there, in the room with The Kid, her cheek burning.

I immediately piped up, "Seriously? You nailed her once! The boink:slap ratio has certainly not even come close to having been met! You'd have to hump her at least five times before being able to get away with her even thinking about staying after you smacked her in the mouth like that! Come ON!"

That's when I started getting the horrific stares, causing me to re-evaluate the boink:slap ratio to 7:1.

Somehow that didn't help the leering judgments.

All that to say that there was indeed much progress left to be made for a woman of the 80s if a director's 'vision' meant she should consider taking the abuse for more than two seconds.

Later kiddies.