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Tripping Stardust Through Fetid Film Part IX - Galaxy Of Terror (1981)

"I live... and DIE... by the crystals!" Oh he does, boy, he does. Go Sid!
"I live... and DIE... by the crystals!" Oh he does, boy, he does. Go Sid!

Genre: Sci-Fi Horror 

Starring: Edward Albert (MidwayMimic 2), Ray Walston (The ApartmentFast Times at Ridgemont High)

Directed By: Bruce D. Clark (Naked Angels)

Overview: Uh... yeah... about a buncha guys land on a planet to look for survivors, find a massive Ziggurat wherein lie their own worst nightmares?  I think that's close enough...

Hi Kiddies,

This post was originally written in September '07, before Hecklefest was ever an official Squish-approved event. A fine gentleman by the name of Ben Saddington went out of his way to enlighten me that it was in fact actress Taafee O'Connell who was the one getting diddled a la worm rape in this film. From his comment came the desire to revisit a nostalgic time with one of the better Hecklefest memories of those early days. Here it is for you as it was two years ago. Enjoy your trip through the archives. 

Heckelfest Night is turning out to be one of my favoritest times. It lets me get away from serious film study and learn how to appreciate (read: mock) extremely low budget films with a solidly thin premise.

I don't think exploring the "plot" of Galaxy Of Terror is a worthwhile endeavour. All you need to know is there's people, somewhere in the Galaxy... experiencing... Terror.  They start on a spaceship, and for some reason these trigger happy freaks with no sense of teamwork end up exploring the surface of a planet with massive backpacks whose only use seems to be the double-mounted shoulder flashlights, as Sid Haig is graciously modeling for us, above.

Check out the cast of rather resilient talent:

We have Sid Haig of course, playing Quuhod, a guy who's skill is hucking huge ninja stars made out of "The Crystals". No, we the viewer need not know any more than that, other than he lives and dies by them, and when he breaks them he gets all pissy. Cultists... you can never make them happy.

Robert Englund! Yes, Freddy! He plays Ranger, a guy who gets hit in the head one time and doesn't suspect the only other person who was in the room. 

Cabren is played by Edward Albert perhaps made most famous for his roles in straight to video productions of "Power Rangers". His sweet porn-class 'stache adds just the right touch of 'ick' to each of his wonderfully formed words.

Erin Moran - little Joanie Cunningham from "Happy Days", plays his girlfriend, Alluma. I'm pretty sure she's the one who gets all her clothes digested, which allows for the big mealworm easy access for its consequent bug rape.  She's then spat out nude on the floor. Of course when the crew find her lying prone (below) they don't roll her over to see if she's breathing, they just hit the gas on the flamethrower, roasting her to ash (which is normal, given that's what the crew's been doing to every corpse they come across, because who needs to discover the cause of death, I mean really.  It's much better housekeeping to just cook them to cinders).

Freakishly-cheekboned Grace Zabriskie (Child's Play 2, Wild At Heart) plays Trantor, the ship's captain.  As all good ship captains, she's the sole survivor of a horrible massacre, and the madwoman has been given the go-ahead to lead the team, her first action being engaging Hyperspeed before even doing the standard preliminary calculations, you know, the kind that make sure you aren't slamming into a sun on your way to the evil pyramid. Perfect.

Ray Walston is the only person whose job we can properly nail down - The Cook -  You remember him as Mr. Hand, Spicoli's teacher in Fast Times at Ridgemont High!

Good to know they're all still working! 

The fantastic gore and intricate backgrounds don't quite make up for the slow finish to a film that kicks into high gear right away, but with names like Roger Corman and a couple beers and witty friends, this was certainly an entertaining adventure into the psyche of ... terrible writers. 

I guess this says it all...
I guess this says it all...

Performance: 5 Cinematography: 7 Script: 4 Plot: 4 Mood: 7

Overall Rating: 54% (Well, At Least A Spaceport of Cheap Scares...)

It's a strange, small world kids. To think of all the interesting surprises that came along with this viewing. I mean what are the odds of a friend giving me a VHS copy of Naked Angels, a biker-chick movie directed by this very same Bruce D. Clark? What are the odds?! 

But most importantly are the end credits.  Imagine my reaction when I see the big bold name of James Cameron (Titanic, Aliens, both Terminator films) listed up there on the screen as Second Unit Director. The only thing better would be learning that he directed Piranha Part Two: The Spawning (1981). 

Oh Snap! Look at that!

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