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Samurai Cop (1989) * Worst Hit *

Well that's nice, he's married! Obviously he does it for the family!
Is that a ring? Is he married! Obviously he does it for the family!

Genre: Gangster Samurai Action

Starring: Matt Hannon, Robert Z'Dar (Pocket Ninjas; Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence)

Directed By: Amir Shervan

Overview: A Yakuza gang's reign of terror is about to get hit hard by Joe Marshall, A.K.A. 'Samurai Cop'. Can Joe use his samurai skills to break through the code of silence and get to the Yakuza chief?

Performance:

Sadly there's not enough quality screencaps on the web to find a photo of Matt Hannon, star and Samurai cop. Robert Z'Dar is the sort of actor you see in really, really bad Kung-Fu movies. No he can't act, but as D-Grade productions go, he is hella successful. Ridicule him all you like, but he's making a living as an actor, you're not.

Here's a wonderful little clip from a dramatic high speed chase scene. Yes the Fabio in a blue shirt is Samurai Cop.

So yeah, that should give you an idea of how bad every aspect of this film is...
Rating: 3

Cinematography:

Hahahahahah! That's rich.
Rating: 3

Script:

There's many a clue that give subtext about the writer. Such an examination is not an exercise in alternate interpretation or artistic exploration, no no no, don't get me wrong. It's escapism, purely doing something else to try to entertain yourself. This script is so transparent that once you strip away the elements of the actual plot-telling, you're left with an unethical, incompetent, murderous vigilante police force, all led by a rogue womanizer. There's the "Miami Vice" kind of womanizing we laugh at as we look back to the 80s, and then there's this. A man with such little concern for womankind that he makes dates with women while other 'women of interest' are standing right there next to him. When the new dame refuses, Samurai Date-Rapist insists by stalking and showing up to their homes. I'll bet you a hundred bucks the writer created the kind of character he wished he had the balls to be, but instead we learned why he couldn't get laid... cause he's full of misogynistic hate...Samurai Cop is SO WICKEDLY CREEPILLY AWESOME!
Rating: 3

Plot:

If this movie were half as good as the marketing poster art, it would be twice as good as it actually was. A.) Never wears a uniform, unless you call jeans and Fabio hair a uniform. B.) Looks nothing like that guy. C.) Isn't actually the psychotic random decapitator of parking violators that he looks like he is. D.) Is about as Samurastic as anyone could be when he holds a katana in his hands for a grand total of 1 minute and 30 seconds.

In short, this is just a movie that recreates Final Fight. Kill people to work your way up to The Boss.
Rating: 2

Mood:

Samurai movies, traditionally, are period pieces about feudal Japan that focus typically on honour and a dilemma that puts such a code of honour in check. Sometimes it's more modern, sometimes it's more about vengeance, and then sometimes it's a catchphrase word used to exploit a genre and try to spin something into it to make people want to see it. Guess which this one is?
Rating: 4

Samurai, yeah
Samurai, yeah

Overall Rating: 30% (Sam I Ain't)
Aftertaste:

Get three beers in ya, have 3 other quick-witted judgmental commentators in the room and watch the good times fly. One of the sweetest Hidden Phlegm films yet. Exciting enough to take you through to the next scene, and bad enough to make you not feel bad about talking over the bad actors with bad 80s fashion. The shoulder pads on the women, I still can't get over it.

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