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Squish's Semi-Annual Best And Worst (June 2007)

June always begins on a good note, and so as per usual, Squish's Best and Worst Picks entry for the summer always begins with glee.

The way this works is simple. Over the last six months, I've watched and reviewed many a film, and now I'm going to tell you, out of all those, which were the best. Perfect for you occasional visitors who want to know what to watch. As always the title links to my original review.

The best movies I've seen in the last six months are:

#1 - Samurai Rebellion - 92% - (Fight To See It!)
Rebel, rebel!

Regular readers will know that I am a fan of the Samurai flick. Be it the hack and slash variety or something a bit more spiritually esoteric, I'm all about the cinematography of medieval Japanese courts in their disciplined chiaroscuro layout, or the rugged and bloody setting of war-torn battlefields. Go figure, Samurai Rebellion has it all, and an insanely human lesson to boot. I almost hurt myself, head-exploding Brazil style. Just do yourself a favour. What a gorgeous period piece... Wait! Did I mention Toshirô Mifune is in it? Seriously... I shouldn't have to say any more.

#2 - Harikiri - 92% - (Take It Into Your Own Hands!)
You do NOT fuck around with this dude

Alright, not very original for a second choice, especially since it's the same Genre, the same decade AND the same director as #1. You may even say this edition of the Best Picks and Worst Hits is leaning towards hyper-specific tastes, but the numbers don't lie. It's amazing, and the moral lesson is even more important in this one than in Samurai Rebellion. It's brilliant. With this class of storytelling, it should genuinely move you.

#3 - Grindhouse - 90% - (Get Back To The Nostalgic Grind)

I guess that's readiness personified
We have something here that is more important to the history of film than most things that will come out this decade. Regardless of what you may think of Tarantino and Rodriguez, what they have done in Grindhouse is more than storytelling excellence and a blast to the past, it's an entertainment phenomenon. They each take their own tale, tweak it to fit the 70s style and bring us a full package of retro-chic that will get you thinking about watching tons of blax-ploi-sex-ploitation vengeance ninja grrrl films. Fromage has struck a fine comeback blow, and all because of this. Rather than simply going out of your way to see this movie on its own merit, it's more like you just have to watch it to understand why the tides of film are gonig where they are (hopefully more than a failed prediction, kids). As film events go, just call it Passion of the Cool.

classic retro
And speaking of hyper-cool, here's some majorly obscure stuff to check out. If you've seen Pink Floyd's The Wall, you'll know it to be one big long visual narrative using the same-titled album as background music. If you liked The Wall, it's because you liked the music. That's the prerequisite. Now with Daft Punk, you also need to be the type of person who likes space-suit hero animé and you need to like Daft Punk enough to be willing to listen to the album one time. If you enjoy both those things, well then you really won't find yourself disappointed with this fantastic storyline all about the kidnapping of a wicked band from outer space. Oh, it's so awesome it's almost epic.

#5 - Hot Fuzz - 90% - (... As Hell)

Toothpicks! Hello!

Here's something the whole family can enjoy... if that family doesn't mind warping the younger members with gore and guns... Much like Grindhouse, we tribute what has come before, but in this case it's action films, and it's not so much tribute as mockery. What makes satire fantastic is when the creators know enough to embrace the source just enough to draw it close... then they can deal it a huge noogieHot Fuzz is important because it's funny, well written, a great plot, and has a fat streak of total blasé apathy. Laugh along, kiddies.

And there you go. Some mass appeal, some obscurity, all top rated.

Now time for the icky:

#5 - Starcrash - 46% - (Slow Down For This Accident!)
Strike a pose, cheesy!

I am truly joyous that some of the worst movies I've seen were an honestly genuine good time. Starcrash is the perfect example of the crap-covered gold that is camp-kitsch. We have stupid dialogue, plots with holes big enough to drive intergallactic fleets through and special effects that try so, so hard that you have to just say "well, fine," and have another hit of Crown Royal while yucking it up with your friends. Seriously awesome toilet floater. In fact it's the first film that made me realize I should open a special page for what I now call Hidden Phlegms. Welcome to the first Worst Hit that I really enjoyed and recommend for your heckling pleasure.

#4 - L'Atalante - 44% - (La Tanante)


Then sadly, we return to mere warnings of films to stay away from. FYI 'Tanante', in French, mean ANNOYING. This is one of the 1001 Films You Must Before You Die, but for some reason I didn't think that meant being bored to death. In all honesty, I'm no longer surprised that there's films this tedious in that massive tome. But 4 out of 200? That means 2% of the movies in that book are the worst I've ever seen. Look. The story is classic, it's an interesting drama about a woman coping with change, but it makes for a good 40-minute show, not this drawn out study of a smelly old sailor and his crew. A sedentary life doesn't mean we have to LIVE IT for 2 hours. Learn to edit!

#3 - The Bat - 42% - (Deserves A Good Bludgeoning)

nice head

The Vincent Price you know is not in this film. Yeah, it's technically the same Vincent Price, but he's surrounded by idiots, from direction to talent to writers to the worst and most un-good costume design imaginable. I mean, if you're going to be a serial killer with a claw... the claw should WORK, and NOT get in the way ... this claw... fails in both realms. Stiiiiiiinky pants.

#2 - Air Bud: World Pup - 40% - (I'm Afraid He'll Have To Be Put Down)
eek, teen beat

Yes, it was supposed to be a bad movie because it was an April Fool's assignment, but I was hoping to watch a movie that was so bad it's good...  at least something that was technically fine, not so bad that you weep for the future of the children. I'm terrified of having kids now based on their sub-par entertainment. Ick. What a hellish place this world has come to.

And finally, the worst movie, certainly one to avoid:

#1 - TerrorStorm: A History of Government-Sponsored Terrorism - 38% - (TV Snow Shows More Truth)

blablabla shaddap aready

Hey, Alex Jones? Honestly, how stupid do you presume your audience is? Do you think your slow repetitive 'speaking to a retarded dog' voice got through to the blunt masses you're talking down to? If you're trying to explain the concept of false flag conspiracy theories to the touch'd, maybe you should just make a cartoon out of it. I used to respect this douche until he treated me like a bronze medalist at the Special Olympics with his Hitler / Bush / Hitler overlays and stupid morph effects.

No matter what is said and done, yes, I could be wrong about how bad this is. I'll admit that. But no matter who you are, if you read 'WORSE THAN AIR BUD', my job is done. I've embarrassed Alex Jones and his production team and I'm proud of that, because he wasted 113 minutes of my life, plus the time it took me to purge his crap publicly in hopes of sparing the world from his developmentally delayed message... PLUS this write up AGAIN declaring that THE FILM IS WORSE THAN AIR BUD!!!

Jesus, stop quoting internet conspiracy websites, I don't believe a thing you spouted, quoted or referenced.

See ya next time kiddies!

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