Bloodsuckers (2005) * Favorite Review *

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  • user warning: Can't open file: 'cache.MYI' (errno: 145) query: UPDATE cache SET data = '<p align=\"center\"><img class=\"image preview\" src=\"/guts/files/images/bloodsuckers_02.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"Wow, these screenshots make the movie look great!\" title=\"Wow, these screenshots make the movie look great!\" width=\"396\" height=\"280\" /><span class=\"caption\"><em><br />Wow, these screenshots make the movie look great!</em></span></p>\n<p><em><strong><font color=\"#3399ff\">Genre:</font></strong></em> <strong>Sci-Fi Action Vampire Horror</strong>... <strong>Comedy</strong>?</p>\n<p><em><strong><font color=\"#3399ff\">Starring: </font></strong></em><strong>Dominic Zamprogna</strong>, <strong>Michael Ironside < in /guts/includes/database.mysql.inc on line 120.
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Wow, these screenshots make the movie look great!
Wow, these screenshots make the movie look great!

Genre: Sci-Fi Action Vampire Horror... Comedy?

Starring: Dominic Zamprogna, Michael Ironside (Total Recall; Starship Troopers)

Directed By: Matthew Hastings

Overview: The Vampire Sanitation Squad's mission is to fly around in space, killing vampires, while the vampires kill back.

Performance:

Once upon a time there was an actor whose career was finished. If he was the big bad vampire leader instead of the actual lead, he could hide behind his fangs, and maybe people wouldn't recognize him. He hoped for that. Then there was a young guy from Hamilton, who thought that being in a vampire movie, as the lead no less, would be the best thing that ever happened to him. When he got his $5000 cheque, he bought rent and food, and he was happy.
Rating: 3

Cinematography:

Clearly the best aspect of this film, it prides itself in showcasing the classic sci-fi entourage: cramped ships, big guns and a system of blinking lights so intricate you can almost not tell that they're Christmas lights under plastic wrap. I'll admit there's some gore, not original or particularly good, but it squirts.. and stuff.
Rating: 6

Script:

"Sorry your friends are all dead, do you wanna go to the arcade? They have Starman..." - Overdubbing by my friends and I.

Groan after groan, the dialogue was like falling down the stairs: at least you were drunk when you did it and at least you made it all the way down without any broken bones. By the end though, it got a little better. I mean at least when they talked about something, they went and did it, you know, for continuity's sake.
Rating: 3

Plot:

Space garbagemen killing vampires. Captain dies, crew has to agree to the green recruit being their officer. New captain takes them to the big bad guy. Intergalactic Arcade scene. Conflict resolution, happy ending... sort of.
Rating: 4

Mood:

Sometimes, when you're tired, have a couple of friends over and just for kicks decide watching the beginning of something you know is going to be a complete waste of time, you submit just a little, accepting the fact that this is the kind of movie that looks so stupid it might just be a great time. I find it strange that this thing takes itself so seriously. If it had been part comedy, it would have been better. It's bad, but not that bad.
Rating: 4

No, seriously, pay the Marketing department in Ming vases, they make this look so good!
No, seriously, pay the Marketing department in Ming vases, they make this look so good!

Overall Rating: 40% (Sucked)
Aftertaste:

Why did you watch this alone? Why on earth would you even consider watching this? I know Movies On Demand is a free system, but why didn't you just watch Shaolin Soccer instead? Next time, instead of playing Russian Roulette with your friends, whom, frankly, you don't have nearly enough of anyways, torture yourself with a group viewing of something this bad, and don't worry, you can let your personality flow, you're allowed to talk and make jokes...

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