From Obscurity Revealed To The Classics You Haven't Quite Gotten Around To

"Revenge is better than Christmas."  
- Elvira - Mistress of the Dark
Monday, June 29th, 2009
 
I'm back - sorry about the delay but I moved, and got whiplash too so wasn't allowed to type too much, but lots of stuff coming soon

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Coming Soon!

Can Con - Highway 61

Reviews for the 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die pages:

Nosferatu (1979)
Fantastic Planet
Ghostbusters
Batman (1989)

Most Recent Reviews and Commentary:

Raging Bull (1980)

bull!

Genre: Sports Drama

Starring: Robert DeNiro (GoodfellasMeet The Parents), Joe Pesci (CasinoMy Cousin Vinny)

Directed By: Martin Scorsese (Taxi DriverThe Departed)

Overview: This is the story of a middleweight boxer's trials and tribulations with his brother, his wife, and himself.

Feel free to click here to skip the spoiler bit at the beginning.


At one point in Raging Bull, our characters talk about how people are afraid to fight LaMotta, until one young fighter challenges him. Tony Janiro is first described to Jake, by his own wife, as "up and coming, he's good-looking." This description is one that frightens Jake. During the entire film, the only fighter that ever seeps through the cracks of his rock-solid, immovable foundation is this young and attractive man he's never met.

 

There's a very short scene where Jake wakes up his wife in the middle of the night and asks her "You think of anybody else when I'm making love to you?...Why'd you say that thing about Tony Janiro?...That he's got a pretty face."
Half asleep and somewhat used to this line of questioning, she answers "I never noticed his face." Jake, in his usual disbelieving manner, replies "You're the one who said he was good looking. You think he's good looking 'cause I know you think he's good-looking. I'll smash his face inside out. I'll make him into dog meat. Nobody's gonna think he's good-looking when I get through with him. So you just go ahead and think about who you want."

 

This is my favorite character-building scene, the one that shows us how raw Jake LaMotta's vulnerability and jealousy is. In the end, making Tony unattractive was indeed something Jake could control and he does so in spades, though his rage is never sated.

 

When Jake first gets his chance at a title bout, it's entirely dependant on him taking a dive and lose to glass-jawed bum Billy Fox. As LaMotta's pride never allows him to fall down to anyone, this dive costs him a suspension as the fix was all too obvious to those in attendance. When the fight ends, Jake cries as he'd never done before, a sob so infectious even his trainer succumbs to it.
 
Ironically, the two weakest boxers LaMotta ever fought defeated him long before he ever faced them in the ring.

NO I SAIDS I LUVS YUH HAIR!
"NO I SAIDS I LUVS YUH HAIR!
"

Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore, The Aviator, Gangs of New York, The Last Temptation of Christ - this is one side of Martin Scorsese.

Casino, Goodfellas, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull - this is my favorite side of Martin Scorsese. This is the 'DeNiro as vicious animal' Scorsese. These are the works that have each earned Scorsese a spot in IMDb's Top 250, and Raging Bull sits confidently at #71. This story of rough and tumble boxer Jake LaMotta is less about boxing and more about the man who wears the gloves. It's more about Jake's relationship with his brother and wife than it is about career advancement or glory. It's about a guy living a hard life, and those he can't help but drag down with him a little.

 

Performance: 10 Cinematography: 9 Script: 10 Plot: 8 Mood: 9

Overall Rating: 92% (Rage On)
Aftertaste:

It's classic, you know it, I'm done wit choo guys.

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Nosferatu: Symphony of Re-Writes? (1922)

Even the hideous need love from time to time...
Even the hideous need love from time to time...

Genre: Silent Vampire Horror Thriller (Germany)

Starring: Max Schreck (The Grand Duke's Finances), Gustav von Wangenheim

Directed By: F.W. Murnau (The Last LaughTabu: A Story of the South Seas)

Overview: Based on Bram Stoker's novel, Dracula, this is the story of a man who travels to Count Dracula's isolated home in Transylvania in order to sell him a house, unfortunately discovering along the way that he's a plague-carrying vampire.

Max Schreck. He plays a weirdo, an eccentric recluse, and a hideous, twisted vampire. Without him, Nosferatu: Symphony of Horror quite possibly may never have stood the test of time. Direct spin offs and remakes include Shadow of the Vampire, a story about how Max Schreck the actor was an actual vampire, a fantastically updated Nosferatu The Vamypre (1979) by Werner Herzog, with Klaus Kinski as the wretched beast, the failed show "Kindred: The Embraced" had a clan of vampires named 'Nosferatu' who all looked exactly like Orlock... Hell even Weekly World News gave proppers to the pasty-white grown up bat boy.  I'll admit even I'm partial to that cute old bald freak, given that he's my #9 favourite dude on screen.  Sadly the other players in Murnau's Horror melodrama aren't nearly as  impressive, though our gitchy fly and spider eating Cobblepot-looking madman did recently earn a few laughs for his copious eyebrows.

The story opens up cheery and almost comically fluffy, until we are introduced to the Count on his carriage. The film then takes a dramatic turn to the creepily dismal. With plague-infested rats and Shreck's haunting eyes, long shadows and haunting images abound. You will be impressed, yes sir. Max is a great vampire, period. I mean just LOOK at him!
"Your wife. She has a lovely neck." - Count Orlock
"Your wife. She has a lovely throat." - Count Dracula

 

Having recently seen this for the second time, I noticed this second viewing was a different edition of script.  Most notable were the character names having returned to the originals from the novel: Dracula rather than Orlock, Renfield rather than Knock, Jonathan Harker instead of Hutter. Prana, the company that distributed Murnau's film went bankrupt when they lost a lawsuit by Bram Stoker's Estate for copyright infringement back in the 20s. I suppose that's all water under the bridge now, though I always preferred the way 'Orlock' rolls off the tongue...

Admittedly this 1922 telling of Dracula is plentiful in gaps. Those familiar with Stoker's work may find themselves disappointed with scenes and characters entirely omitted or questions unanswered, though there are some fresh twists to make up for the shortcomings, you know, like how Orlock is a hideous rat-faced freak instead of an intimidatingly beautiful man.

But after all is said and done, the atmosphere-rich ending, short as it may be, is more than memorable, it's iconic. You know Nosferatu is a classic, and you won't be disappointed.

"Mlehn! Mlenh!" Jesus is Max Shreck ever awesome!
Shreckin' it to the Max! 

Performance: 7 Cinematography: 8 Script: 6 Plot: 7 Mood: 8

Overall Rating: 72% (A Blood-Letting Good Time)
Aftertaste:

Having  Nosferatu at #234 on IMDb's  Top 250 is still a bit of a boost to get the common man out to see a silent  film. After having seen this film in a crowded theatre obviously new to Silent cinema, it's clear that time has worn away the edges of Nosferatu: Symphony of Horror, as it elicits occasional laughter rather than terror from time to time, but Nosferatu is still short and sweet, and definitely one of the 20's most timeless films.

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Forgive Them For They Know Not They Be Dopes

Dear readers, we have a 'new' movie theater in Ottawa! The Mayfair, a classic single screen theater built in the 1932 and recently salvaged from closure by film fanatics, has returned with a hip new schedule to once again become a glorious palace of entertainment! One of the amazing things they've started doing is Silent Film Night, where they bring in a live band to do the sound and music. This weekend was all about Murnau's Nosferatu: A Symphony of Terror.
Having seen Dreyer's The Passion of Joan of Arc (1928) in a high-ceilinged Gothic Anglican church, complete with candlelit choir and an organ played by the composer of our evening's soundtrack, I figured this Saturday Night's event would be very similar: i.e. Uber-awesome.
 
The music for Saturday's presentation of Nosferatu: A Symphony of Terror combined uncommon instruments with cello, flute and a surf-sounding guitar, which made for a modern yet eerie interpretation of F.W. Murnau's piece. I was not surprised that the band wasn't front and center, preferring instead to remain subdued in the corner, though I was surprised to see a script slightly different from the one I remembered, but that's not my issue here. What I really wanted to dig into was how easy it was to peg people who'd never seen a silent film in their lives before.

Silent means SHUT UP
Silent means SHUT UP

 

On several inappropriate occasions, the crowd laughed at the melodramatic acting and special effects, which included stop motion and sped up film, used to illustrate the vampire's supernatural speed and telekinetic power. This laughter definitely diminished the horror of good ol' Count Orlock (or, in this new script, Count Dracula), which I guess is understandable, given this day and age of post-Benny Hill skimpy underwear chases in high-speed film, but seriously, you're the one out of context. It may be slightly naive, but it's 1922 for the Christ's sake. Shut your greasy pie hole and stop ruining my goddamned movie, you ignorant slut.
 
Am I still glad that people are swarming in droves to watch Silent Film? Of course, since it means that Silent Movie Night with a live band can actually happen for me. Either way, the presentation more than makes up for the audience. I am Zen enough to deal.
 
Limited Edition Means Hands Off
Limited Edition Means Hands Off
Which brings me to my next rant. What a wonderful initiative to offer guests limited edition prints of the posters to commemorate the evening, and at 15 boners, the price was right. What genius to add a coupon for custom framing from across the street! I told the person at the table "This second one here is the one I want!" Then, in an almost intentionally dramatic slow-motion, he proceeded to squorsh his five fingers square in the middle of the print, saying "This is my favourite too."
 
I then asked, "So, are you the artist?"  "Oh God no," he replied - as if I didn't know already. It gets better. He had no envelope, no backing, no bag for me to take this outside in the rain, which made my final decision pretty damn easy to make, that is until another customer insisted that bags be provided, which I guess got him off his ass to look for some. I happily returned to the table, where, in an intentionally dramatic slow-motion, carefully took a print from the bottom of the pile and carefully put it to the top asking if the bag was big enough for me to slide it in sideways. He takes my print, smears his grubby hands all over it and says "you'd have to roll it up just a little like this" illustrating it to me almost delicately. How kind of him.  I thanked him, put the print down, pulled out my wallet, gave him the money, asked him to hold open the bag, then again, in grand melodrama and intentional slow-motion, took a print from the bottom and put it in the bag. I win. Artist loses. Vendor probably didn't even clue in. Here's hoping the artist reads this. Either way, it's getting mounted as we speak. No big.
 
Alligator is backwards for 'Heckle this shit and stop looking at me, dumbass'
Alligator is backwards for 'Heckle this shit and stop looking at me, dumbass'
 
The sold out crowd disperses, leaving a skeleton crew of viewers for the next free show, Alligator (1980), but first some really, really bad trailers of really terribly awesome films! Just like that, it was suddenly Schlock night!!!
 
In previous "Saturday Night Sinema" events, the owners told the audience that they encouraged heckling, but tonight the owners were off drinking and weren't there to grant 'license to balk', not that the crowd behind us had any doubt this was a 'talking allowed' show.  When a couple sat right in front of the Armenian and I, I figured they were in the know. About 15 minutes in, the film started kicking into high gear cheese, what with our hero cop removing his shirt every time he saw his moustachioed, husky-voiced captain. I mean honestly, we had no choice but to start the homo-erotic commentary. I mean you could hurt yourself keeping that locked away. Sadly we weren't sitting with the mildly hubbubbed crowd 5 rows behind us. So instead of praise for our comedic timing, we got sidelong glances from the man in front.  I started feeling a little embarrassed, thinking that perhaps we should be respectful of these two people in front of us. I suggested it to my buddy, who whipped out the quote of the evening:

 
"Like I'm going to stay quiet for people who want to appreciate the finer points of Alligator"
 

Might I add... Touché.

 
Tough break for the squares, who eventually moved up one seat, making everything great for us once more. Lesson learned: Next time, sit with the cool kids in the back and let the keeners sit at the front of the class.
 
Long Live the New Mayfair!

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Roadkill (1989)

Yes, lifeless
Yes, lifeless

Genre: Adventure Drama (Canada)

Starring: Valerie Buhagiar (Sheltered Life Highway 61), Don McKeller (Monkey WarfareLast Night)

Directed By: Bruce McDonald (PontypoolHardcore Logo)

Overview: A girl is sent up north by a music promoter to bring back a deliquent band. She doesn't know how to drive, she has no car, she has no doubt that she'll get them home.

You've all been there: "Here's a movie I've sorta been meaning to see for about a dozen years" .
Well kiddies, I finally saw it Last Night, going Waydowntown to the Mayfair theater, newly owned and operated by a local filmmaker and friends.
I went into this film knowing full well that it wouldn't be comparable in quality to Highway 61, also directed by Bruce McDonald and written and starring Don McKellar, a film I have a special affinity towards due to the wacky characters, memorable quote-rich script and great replay value, but I digress.   
Within the first, oh say 10 second, one can peg 3 things about Roadkill:
.
1.) It's going to be Uber-independent - ie: cheap
2.) It's going be as Canadian as all ... er, maple syrup - the opening scene is a Hinterland Who's Who reference
3.) It's definitely one of Bruce McDonald's first diretorial attempts - cause I can just feel it in my bones
.
Later we can figure out that it's one of Don McKellar's first scripts, but at least it takes a good minute or so to discover that.
.
The premise is roadtrip simple. We open with a band promoter, flipping out all Twitch City at the news that one of his bands, 'Children of Paradise' had missed their last four gigs on their tour to Thunder Bay. He sends Ramona, his new assistant to go up north, find the band and bring them back in hopes of salvaging an ounce of his investment. Immediately the film turns forced-wacky-road-trip when her cabbie insits on driving her from Toronto to Sudbury, sharing stories about pot smoking and cabbing big shots like Robert Plant. The story continues as most road-trips do: adventure leads to insight leads to strange characters - from Nash the Slash to serial killers who want to make friends with her as she tries to get the band to actually show up on stage for a show.  
I wouldn't go as far to say as I was bored to Blindness with the plot, however I wouldn't call the underlying theme of 'Ramona on a road trip without a car or any driving experience and a couple dead animals' any kind of theme at all. In fact the whole movie, though infused with the occasional chuckle seemed about as forced as a scripted adventure ever could be, regardless of Joey Ramone cameos.

The Boredom Corridor
The Boredom Corridor

Performance: 6 Cinematography: 7 Script: 5 Plot: 6 Mood: 6

Overall Rating: 60% (Toss To The Roadside)
Aftertaste:

Granted, perhaps writing about the touching-without-being-saccarine One Week would have made for better CanCon review. Perhaps it would have been best to warn you of the absolutely failed potential that was the beautiful yet meanderingly bland Fear[s] of the Dark. Ah well, no need to mourn these unborn reviews to the tune of The Red Violin. Just know that instead of those reviews I was making the world safe by blasting zombies emblazonned with the Hardcore Logo of Umbrella Corp!

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Tripping Stardust Through Fetid Film Part X - The Car (1977)

What Evil HONKS!
What Evil HONKS!

Genre: Horror Thriller

Starring: Ronny Cox (DeliveranceRobocop), James Brolin (WestworldAmityville Horror)

Directed By: Elliot Silverstein

Overview: A small desert town. An invincible car without a driver. A rampage of mayhem and terror.

This undead article from the archives was originally published on August 8th, 2008, still in the early days of Hecklefest. Enjoy! 

No one in their right mind would dare call The Car 'good' without such a validating preamble: for a completely plotless C-Grade Hidden Phlegm film, The Car is pretty sweet.

The cast is comprised of a surprisingly successful bunch, and though not a big name in film, Elliot Silverstein did direct a few episodes of the original "Twilight Zone", "Naked City" and "Tales From the Crypt".

The film opens on a lonely stretch of desert highway, the heat waves coming off the ground shrouding a spec of black off in the distance. Then, slowly, in an opening identical to High Plains Drifter, The Car makes its appearance. And would you believe it, this most impressive vehicle was designed by George Barris, the very same man who designed that bubbly beast in the original television series' Batmobile. Throughout the film, there are frequent panoramic shots of the desert and on a technical level, there are many innovative shots, some genuine moments of high suspense, and if that doesn't float your boat, there's always Evil Car-O-Vision - and though nothing more than a red filter over the lens, well you know the driver is inately bad ass, you know, cause he sees red...

The Car is the kind of film that could have earned cult status had it only had a story worthy of... average intellect. In a scene revealing the nature of The Car and its driver we find The Car outside of a cemetery, having followed the school marching band it was chasing (how perfect is that?) into it. The Car cannot enter as the place is hallowed ground. Rather than making the obvious leap of logic to "Hey Luke, the evil driverless car can't come into blessed areas! Clearly that means it's unholy!", the story waffles when the local law enforcement spend three scenes discussing its mystery and how to stop the malignant auto.

Still, somehow, in all that time, never does anyone suggest a ghost from the past getting even, a demon released from the ancient burial grounds that housed it, or any number of other scenarios I was coming up with regularly throughout the film. The worst is not what isn't given but what is taken away: in a scene that could have been dramatic and terrifying with such a possibility as someone actually getting into the empty car, learning its secrets and possibly going mad at the premise of being made puppet to The Car's games... yes children, instead of that awesome possibility, The Car opens its door into the cop's chest and knocks him unconscious until he wakes up in the hospital.

Jesus H. Christ.

What that means is The Car, it's backstory and it's reasoning is nothing more than a mechanical Jaws, driving around outside of the warmer Hell waters it's accustomed to swimming around in because it's pissy and hungry.

I also need mention the lack of blood or gore in this smash-em up road-fest. At ALL! Final verdict: films with such potential have so far to fall. The disappointment isn't in knowing it was bad, it's in knowing how good it could have been with the right spark plugs firing in the script.

Nice pic, but too bad there wasn't one of the children's marchng band getting pegged off...
Too bad there were no scenes of the children's marching band getting pegged off...

Overall Rating: 62% (Beep, Beep! Beep, Beep... No)
Aftertaste:

After all is said and done though, this pretty sweet vehicle can be yours if you want it, eBay being what it is. Another fun tidbit - in an episode of "Futurama", Bender becomes a werecar, and go figure he looks identical to The Car.

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Favorite Film Characters Meme

 So many to chose from!

Having recently watched Brazil, and as one is wont to do with an interesting film, I actually discussed it with friends, one of which went on to tell me that Michael Pallin's character was one of his favorite characters in film history.

This of course got me thinking about my own personal most influential and/or favorite characters and so here we are. But rather than declaring, I felt more like learning, so I thought I'd spread a little meme around.

Following the standard meme structure I'm tagging five film bloggers and asking them 'What are your favorite 10 characters in film?'

The rules:

1.) Name 10 film characters that are your favorite and explain why. We aren't talking about the actor who played them. Hamlet, Sherlock Holmes or Bond may be your favorite filmic sights on screen but you may hate the Mel GibsonsBasil Rathbones or George Lazenbys who've played them. Of course no one's stopping you from mentioning your favorite players if you like.

 
1a.) I capped myself at ten, but don't let that number stop you.
 
2.) Tag 5 more film bloggers when you're done, email them, let 'em in on it, link back.
 
3.) Read their posts and enjoy!



Well Kiddies, here are my meme-ger beginnings!
Squish's favorite 10 characters in film
 

10.) Karl Childers of Slingblade (1996). The main character in Slingblade is a simpleton. Because of this, Karl's is a mind stunted and without proper moral filter.  The film begins with Karl getting ready to leave the institution he was committed to for a double homicide. We follow him as he attempts to get back on his feet, outside in society.  Karl's story is touching without being saccharine, poignant and with an outlook that is often very black and white while still being full of quirky moments, like walking into his adopted family's bedroom in the middle of the night  holding a hammer and asking to be baptized, matter-of-factly.
 
Also, ah likes da way he tawks and when he eats fries, he likes the mustards on em.. Ummm-hmmm.
 

 Nosfers Two

9.) Nosferatu. Very few film fans need an introduction to Dracula's freakier, rattier / battier alter ego. Nosferatu was a great way to make Dracula more terrifying, less human and further from lawsuits of the Bram Stoker Estate, who sued F.W. Murnau for making the original film without permission. Nosferatu is definitely a freakishly frightening dude, and a completely original slant on the machismo-exuding Count Tepes, whether the original Max Shrek in the 1922 Nosferatu, a Symphony of Horror, or Klaus Kinski in Herzog's 1979 Nosferatu the Vampyre. Besides, he's one of the iconic silhouettes on my title bar, I need to given him his proppers. 

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT... THING!?

 

8.) The Thing - The Thing (1982). So you're in the Antarctic and it's freezing cold and nothing save a penguin can exist in this environment. Surprise kiddies! The Thing is nameless because it can be ANYTHING! It's crazy, it's aggressive and may very well be one of the most original monsters ever created, because it mutates you from the inside into a twisted, freakish and terrifying… Thing. Also, few horror films have been made into "X-Files" episodes. Without a doubt The Thing was clearly the inspiration for "Ice".
Frank The Pure

7.) Frank Serpico - Serpico (1973). Does it count if the character is an actual person? This is one of my highest rated films for the simple fact that his character is so real. NYC Police Office Frank Serpico was a man who didn't take bribe money, and for it he got shot in the face (not a spoiler, the movie starts out that way). Based on the true story of a man who went again the system to uncover corruption in the police force, Frank Serpico is a great character because he's a loose cannon, his relationships fail, he hates his career, he's even a bit of a bum, he's an honest man in a dishonest union and most of all, he has genuine human fear, and that terror expresses itself constantly. By the way, the real Serpico's still out there, he's even got his own blog. Neat eh? 

Grrr Woof CHOMP CHOMP

6.) Charles 'Chuck' Tatum - Ace in the Hole a.k.a. The Big Carnival (1951). Larger than life itself, Tatum is the glibbest type of reporter. He's as charismatic as a politician but there's this streak of the creepy Carney to him. "I can handle big news and little news. And if there's no news, I'll go out and bite a dog." He's manipulative and driven to make a story out of a molehill. And when the dame says "I've seen some hard-boiled eggs before, but you - you're 20 minutes", you'll understand what she means.

"I want my cup filled 6 times"

5.) Mista Pink - Above all the other Reservoir Dogs (1992) trying to escape a diamond heist gone wrong, he's the standard, the center of the bell curve by which we may judge the others. He doesn't have a bunch of huge secrets like Mister Orange, he's no good-guy soft-heart like Mister White or a super-villain like Mister Blonde - he's your average diamond thief and a gitchy dude at that, who, as you all know is just trying "to keep it professional!". Yeah and as one of the iconic silhouettes on my title bar, what did you expect?

Got Korova?

4.) 'Lih-tole' Alex of A Clockwork Orange (1971). Well you probably know him, if only by the poster of him all tied up, strapped to a chair with his eyes machine-forced open. Our ultra-violence loving, gulliver-tolchoking droog gets his fill of the the old in-out when sent to prison for reprogramming. That programming has some unforeseen side effects which pose the question: should justice really come by any means? His story may burrow fundamental roots into your sense of punishment, which makes Anthony Burgess' character ever-important. And while we're at it, anyone who can pull off cane, derby, false eyelash and jock on the outside of his pants and look super-cool, well, that's something worthy of a videy.

Yo! Jimbo!

3.) Toshiro Mifune's played countless roles (actually only around 177) but the suave justice-loving malignance-ending bodyguard Man-With-No-Name Sanjuro Kuwabatake / Sanjûrô Tsubaki / The Samurai  from Yojimbo (1961) and its sequel Sanjuro (1962) is just the type of guy we can look up to. He's wise beyond his years, witty with Warrior Code wisdom and about a million times better than his western nameless shootist counterpart in the inferior unauthorized rip-off A Fistful of Dollars. Sorry Clint. Don't feel bad, you get yours later.

Holy Shit that's a cold soul

2.) HAL 9000 - of 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968), though he's also in 2010: The Year We Made Contact (1984). Evil computer runs amok a million miles away from Earth while astronauts lie powerless in his wake. His creepily smooth voice sends shudders up our spines when he closes airlocks with matter-of-fact apologies, and is more than enough to make HAL 9000 one of cinema's best villains. He's definitely one of mine. Even Wall-E tributed him recently. Good for you Disney. 

Drift Buddy, Drift Like The Wind!

1.) The Stranger - High Plains Drifter (1973). Frankly, I thought it would be harder to pick my favorite character of all time. From obvious choices like Darth Vader to film history constants like Bond, I was pleasantly surprised that it took less than two minutes for me to say "Definitely The Drifter". The character studied in this film begins as one of the most malicious, evil men that ever splashed celluloid, what with rape and murder as his first acts. But as the story unfolds we learn that there is  somehow a poetic method to his madness on several different levels, not to mention having a conclusion that is one of the best in movie history.



 
And that's that. Thanks for reading.

Now for my five chosen victims. Check them out and see where this thing spreads:

1 - My Cultural Snob may have an opinion or two.

2 - Is Jeff Duncanson a Film Noir Freak?
 
3 - Will Thom Ryan pick any 20s vamps, or perhaps the Somnambulist?
 
4 - Emma Zummer? What say you?
 
5 -  Eddie Copeland? Can I call you Eddie?

 

Later I'll actually link those 5 to their actual posts, as opposed to merely their sites.
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