Right, 'simplicity' in the poster too... I'm not buyin' it.

Genre: American Drama

Starring: Timothy Bottoms (Johnny's Got His Gun • Invaders from Mars), Jeff Bridges (TRON • Arlington Road)

Directed By: Peter Bogdanovich (Paper Moon • The Thing Called Love)

Overview: This small Texas town may look boring on the surface, but it's roiling with young lust. Seems like everyone's coming of age at the same time.

When I was young and my dad suggested that we go see a movie, I absolutely needed to know what it was about first. I have a particularly fond memory of going down to the Parkdale Theater, now the Cornerstone House of Refuge Apostolic Church (?) to see Stand By Me. I was 11 years old and I thought, "Great. Dad wants to see a movie I've never even heard of. This is gonna suck." Of course I loved it and was so completely surprised that my dad would pick it out, and since that day he's still consistently impressing me with his picks. And, since then, very little has changed in my skeptic and judgmental outlook, but if it's one thing I've learned along the way, it's my glorious hatred for the spoiler. When I walk into a movie I've committed to, I don't need to learn anything else. Sometimes that commitment requires a trailer, sometimes it's just knowing the director's name, and in the case of 1001 Movies, all I need to know is that 'it's on the list.' I feel that my judgement is sounder that way. Sometimes a plot doesn't happen until well into the film, and had I know even a brief synopsis of Ink, the mystery would have been just a little more shattered than I'd have liked.

All this to say that I knew absolutely nothing when I popped The Last Picture Show in the player. When I finished it I realized that this whole movie was about 1951 Texas Sex... and I'm really not all that inspired to say anything else about it, but I guess I'll give it the good old College Try... I suppose.

With an all-star cast of young actors like Jeff Bridges, Ellen Burnstyn, "introducing" Randy Quain and Cybill Shepherd, The Last Picture Show is the sort of movie that 'takes you back'... even if you've never known such a time. As I began to watch, I knew immediately that the theme of this film would be the retrospective of a year. This would be the kind of film that would attempt a Killer Of Sheep honesty with an American Graffiti slickness to it. Sadly, The Last Picture Show is the sort of film, that although I got into well enough, I found … lacking somehow. It's a sexual coming of age drama that explores the (unhappy?) lives of people in a small Texas town and for as much as the stories in and of themselves are entertaining, the whole thing seems a little forced, the relationships contrived, the drama too conveniently timed, and the climactic 'more drama than the drama that came before' had absolutely no grand effect on me, and came nowhere near delivering what I had hoped.

You must absolutely give them this though - Wow youth

Performance: 8 Cinematography: 7 Script: 7 Plot: 7 Mood: 7

Overall Rating: 72% (And Certainly Not The Most Memorable)

Aftertaste:

All in all The Last Picture Show was, to me, one of those run of the mill standard solid fare films that had, as a most memorable moment, Cybill Shepherd's slow strip tease on a diving board, and the main character played by Timothy Bottoms, an actor I recently discovered from his role in Dalton Trumbo's Johnny's Got His Gun. Aside from that, The Last Picture Show is the type of film I would never review, mainly because, for as much as it may be considered a national treasure, it's still in one ear and out the other to me.

Intense, hot, Hollywood

Genre: Fantasy Mystery Thriller

Starring: Naomi Watts (The Assassination of Richard Nixon • King Kong (2005), Laura Harring (Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out! • The Punisher (2004))

Directed By: David Lynch (The Short Films of David Lynch • Blue Velvet)

Overview: A young and naive Canadian actress arrives in L.A. with hopes of fulfilling her dreams of being a star. What she finds in her new apartment is a woman with amnesia and one whopper of a mystery.

Mulholland Drive is just as one would expect from Lynchian Cinema, a surreal mind-bender, but David Lynch has done something superb with Mulholland Drive: he made it mainstream enough to appeal to lesbian-loving jocks while still drawing the French, moustachioed, beret-wearing crowd away from their Chateau Lafite and Truffaut for two and a half hours.

In fact I would recommend Mulholland Drive to 'main-streamers' as one of Lynch's more enjoyable of the nigh-incomprehensible fantasy films he's made. It's a rich mystery that may not answer many questions, though it definitely includes many themes we can easily grasp: Hollywood corruption, interference by producers and their string-pulling secret influencers,and an actress' naïveté quickly undone by the reality that exists under that big white sign of hope. 

What makes Mulholland Drive accessible and appealing to the masses is  that it's beautiful, violent, and sexy as all get up, and though this, like most Avant-Garde film, has a way of taking the reward out of a story concluded, tied off and understood, David Lynch leaves enough to let people appreciate the time spent in his surreal adventure. For the art-house fans, the unfolding arcane drama combined with an art direction that is rich with moody, suspense-filled shots... what more could anyone ask for?  Ok, there's from the ever-well-received moments of lust and confusion and those those moments of unsung perfection like the powerhouse performances of tertiary characters played by Patrick Fischler, the man who recounts his dream at Winkie's and Monty Montgomery, our favourite catalytic cowboy.

Did I mention sexy? I didn't want you to miss that.

A wonderful feature of fantastical Lynchian Cinema is how he gives enough to the audience to allow them to keep trying to pigeonhole meaning, and in this endeavour the mind scrambles to come up with different solutions, to sort meaning from symbols. Avant-Garde has a wonderful way of making you wish everything had an explanation, and who knows, maybe this Internet we bloggers write upon really does hold all the answers of David Lynch's mind and movies, or maybe Tout Paris was merely a book David caught his Production Assistant reading once, but more on her later. 

What I love about this film, and Lynch in general, is how one interpretation can work just as well as another. Sure you can cheat and look up an explanation on Google but I have a distinct feeling that David Lynch doesn't make puzzles for you to solve. So I piss on official interpretations and give you mine:
In short, this is the tale of a naïve little Ontarian girl hoping to make it big in the City of Angels and we begin to explore her life through a fantasy, one that takes quite a while to turn into expectation, and finally quickly becomes reality. In that reality even we are lost in the nightmare. A once young and hopeful woman ends up realizing that the warnings and derision of her parents have all come to  pass in such a perfect form, leaving her with no options.

I could be totally wrong, and for that, Lynch, I thank you for bringing this sweet mindfuck to our mainstream theaters, and feel free to keep it coming. I love your work. You make me happy… and confused.

Before I sign off, let me offer up one final sorting of potentials, the films' dedicatee, Jennifer Syme. Jennifer was David Lynch's Production Assistant (PA). She also played the part of a 'Junkie Girl' in Lost Highway, and dated Keanu Reeves. This - most likely - Hollywood hopeful was killed when she crashed her Jeep Cherokee late one night heading back to a party at Marilyn Manson's. Nothing else need be said about someone who worked closely with Lynch, a man whose Mulholland Drive begins and enshrouds an entire mystery around a late night inebriated car crash.

Oh, I get it. Witty.

Performance: 9 Cinematography: 9 Script: 8 Plot: 9 Mood: 10

Overall Rating: 90% (And Step On It)

Aftertaste:

If you like David Lynch's Avant-Garde style, this is a beautiful and strange adventure. More surreal than Blue Velvet, and though ever-present with similar themes as INLAND EMPIRE, it's nowhere near as convoluted. Put Mulholland Drive deep in the mire of the Lost Highway camp of intensely mysterious, absolutely re-watcheable, wondrous surreality.

Man, do I ever need to give David Lynch his own page.

Hi Kiddies, and welcome to what's certainly going to be one of my own personal favourite pages. For those of you who have not seen the original Dawn Of The Dead, this is just one big spoiler. For the rest of you, here is a celebration of every single one of the 82 onscreen kills that can be found in the 1978 Romero Zombie Classic, Dawn Of The Dead, screen capped by yours truly, for your viewing pleasure.

Enjoy

You're quite welcome.

"I'll take Door Number Three! AAAArrrrggghhhh"

Genre: Apocalyptic Action Drama Zombie Horror (USA, Italy)

Starring: Ken Foree (The Dentist • Zone Of The Dead), Scott H. Reiniger (Knightriders • Dawn of the Dead (2004))

Directed By: George A. Romero (Night Of The Living Dead • Land Of The Dead)

Overview: Three weeks into the Zombie Epidemic, four people take off in a helicopter in hopes of finding safety. When they stop at a shopping mall to stock up, they realize that this may just be the good thing they've been looking for.

With a body count of 82 onscreen kills, most of Dawn Of The Dead is about survival: killing, dying and shooting the undead, shooting it in the head. Romero most certainly does not disappoint in this department and because of this, the visual spectacle of Dawn of the Dead is rich with squibs and zombie hoards being culled, though never thinning out.

Many moons ago, I realized that Dawn Of The Dead was my favourite horror movie even though it's not that scary. It's not a broody, suspense-filled, terror-rich film. Though the script is quite utilitarian, filled with the expected instructions and outcries that come from intense survival plots, Dawn of the Dead has enough drama to keep it out of the fluff zone, and I may even dare to go as far as to say poignant.

Fran: What are they doing? Why do they come here?
Stephen: Some kind of instinct, memory… of what they used to do. This was an important place in their lives.

Where Night of the Living Dead has been called a metaphor for fear of 'loss of identity through alienation', and 'an illustration of societal breakdown', there is no doubt that Dawn of The Dead is a spoken-out-loud metaphor for anti-consumerism, and a subtext worthy of appreciation.

Peter: They're after the place. They don't know why, they just remember. Remember that they want to be in here. They're us that's all.

In fact what makes Dawn Of The Dead so genuine is how realistic and down to earth it tends to be most of the time. The latex gore factor is without a doubt shameless fun, but there's something disturbing about this sudden-onset apocalyptic world. Living in a new paradigm where every man, woman and child lives with this immediate and unexplainable war-torn existence of constant fear of attack, not to mention the daily truth that is death. Death doesn't rest in peace. Deceased loved ones become hungry for flesh without predjudice, save how close their victims are. Death walks around, death eats the living, and death's bite is 100% lethal, turning you into one of them. And the more there are of you, the more of them there will be, if I may paraphrase a legless priest's truthful words: "You are stronger than us but soon, I think, they be stronger than you."

Shit.  That's fucking scary.

"When there's no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the Earth... or crawl... or shamble... or whatever"

Overall Rating: 82% (Rise Up!)

Aftertaste:

Add to this experience the unique music of Goblin which makes up almost the entirely of the soundtrack, and you have in Dawn of The Dead a film that has proven it's timelessness, and has, most certainly earned its place as a Movie You Must See Before You Become A Zombie.

And how will they be cooked? White Sauce? Grilled with Rosemary?

Genre: Slasher Horror

Starring: Marilyn Burns (Helter Skelter • Eaten Alive), Allen Danziger 

Directed By: Tobe Hooper (Salem's Lot • Poltergeist)

Overview: A carload of teens visit a childhood home in the country. They find far more than old memories.

Kids on vacation!

Dancing With a Chainsaw - really it's quite romantic

Although The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a simple slasher film, there are many a great thing going for it. The primary antagonist, Leatherface, is perfectly inhuman, not to mention that iconic and frightening name. One of the main character kids is bound by his wheelchair, a little difference that makes the story that much more unique. Most importantly however is the effort that went into the décor of a house where such madness could occur. Every inch of Leatherface's home is a twisted place with fetishes and weapons on every wall and in every corner. Of course, part of what makes this story so terrifying is that it's based on very true events. Ed Gein, the man who inspired The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a Wisconsin handyman who confessed to robbing 9 graves and killing 2 women in 1954. His own true story includes field dressing one of his victims like one would a deer in preparation for curing, and a search of his home revealed several death masks, severed women's heads, a bowl made from a skull and the lovely little accessories of skulls on his bedposts. There's one for Better Homes and Gardens...

In short, there's many a great reason why this film has received such acclaim. Find out for yourself. You'll never see furniture the same again.

When she said 'let's hook up', I don't think that's what she meant...

Performance: 8 Cinematography: 9 Script: 8 Plot: 8 Mood: 9

Overall Rating: 84% (Kill a Couple Hours!)

Aftertaste:

This time I saw The Texas Chainsaw Massacre on Blu-Ray. I was worried that there would be too much during its remastering phase to the point that the atmosphere would be less gritty. There's a particularly frightening night scene that I suspect was shot underexposed. My fear was that Blu-Ray would manage to draw too much light to this dark, if technically inferior, scene and spoil the fear and confusion that it caused. Well the good people at Blu-Ray did a fine job cranking those levels up just enough to take away the frustration of the underexposure. Frankly the suspense and the atmosphere was too good to let a little thing like that stop it.