He just LOOOOVES to murder! It's so FUN!

Genre: Action Adventure Romance  

Starring: Errol Flynn (The Adventures of Robin Hood • The Charge of the Light Brigade), Olivia de Havilland (Gone With The Wind • The Heiress)

Directed By: Michael Curtiz (The Jazz Singer • Yankee Doodle Dandy)

Overview: When doctor Peter Blood is unjustly imprisoned for treason, he is sent to the New World to serve as a slave. Eventually the doctor masterminds an escape, captures a ship and becomes Captain Blood, a most feared pirate of the Caribbean.

With Captain Blood having a 100% rating on the Rotten Tomatoes Critic-O-Meter, I'm going to do what I did with Scarface, which was to go against the grain and flip the thumb and nose my bird at good ol' doctor Blood. This time, however, I have far more reasons to roll my eyes.

We begin the tale with a man pleading for assistance at the door of doctor Peter Blood in the middle of the night. Dr. Blood is a man who, instead of rushing to the aid of a chest-sucking wounded rebel soldier, prefers to get better dressed for the occasion - it is the 1680s after all, so decorum is first in all things. Now, instead of hurrying into his knickers, Blood does so while waxing romantic about his ethic and background to his maid, who of course already know the story. His exposition is filled with "as you know"s and "you might well recall"s and we the audience begin Captain Blood with the full knowledge that this entire film is going to be tedium. While the good doctor is stabilizing the patient, in barges the Crown, arresting everyone for treason, holding a ridiculously one-sided trial and sentencing the vociferous Dr. Blood along with a boatload of other rebels, to the Caribbean as a slave. Once at their destination, the gallant, young, attractive, brave, educated slave, above and beyond the rest of the reeking rabble, is immediately noticed by slave-buying Col. Bishop and his daughter Arabella, who likes Peter's spunk and buys him. From here on the scenes bleed into a game of 'I own you' / 'I don't like being your slave', until Dr. Blood gets his chance to capture a ship with the rest of the slaves, and escape to the seas. Soon enough he becomes the eponymous Captain Blood, and the good doctor who spoke to his maid in the middle of the night about how he'd never take a life becomes a pirate - a swashbuckling, joyous, ethical plunderous, murderer with a band of merry assassins. From here on the story follows the theme of justice/injustice depending on who you are and what side of the war you're on today.

Let me begin with what works about Captain Blood. Much of the story elements are enjoyable, scenes like that kangaroo court of a trial and one scene where Captain Blood has a 'diplomatic breakdown' with pirate captain Levasseur. Olivia De Havilland is a talented actress in this role. It's nice to see an even-younger Olivia playing the role of a girl far more outspoken than in Gone With The Wind. The fact that she would appear opposite Errol in several of his films certainly makes my next Flynn film The Adventures of Robin Hood more palatable.

What hurts about Captain Blood is plentiful. Beginning with the simple guy-repellent standard of the 'Costume Romance' Genre, we can follow Captain Blood down the rabbit hole of issues to the art department who so obviously painted every skyline on big canvas tarps, giving us that wonderful 'Wow, they're on set' feeling of high adventure! Next, the dialogue was frequently expository, or just plain laughably too bold, turning Errol Flynn, not into a brave and gutsy Fairbanks-grade adventurer, but into a prissy little bitch with an embroidered entitlement card and zero survival instinct. When his bravery isn't ridiculously misplaced, it's in a 'too fearless' way that makes any battle he's a part of an obvious riskless win, and guess how exciting that is? Finally my big issue, forgivable now that we're in 2010 and the film is escapist over historical, but do you seriously expect me to believe that all you need in a crew is a captain and a navigator? Blood's crew is entirely made up of rebel slaves. I find it hard to believe that his inexperienced crew could become the most feared of the Caribbean given their doubtful ability of getting a ship out of port. And of course, after years of service and plunder, they never ever die in sieges, just their enemies do.

Oh? You say you'll have me killed if I make a peep? Well *peep*. I DARE YOU! *PEEP* HA! HA!!

Performance: 7 Cinematography: 6 Script: 6 Plot: 6 Mood: 4

Overall Rating: 58% (Bloody 'Ell)

Aftertaste:

In short, I hurried with my review as my brain was quickly purging the memory of the film to make room for something better. A most disappointing first experience with Errol Flynn, and one that makes me doubt my enjoyment of the upcoming Oscar-winning, Best Film nominated The Adventures of Robin Hood. I don't expect to be gloriously moved by all the ballwaving bravery.

Let me add in closing that upon closer inspection of the Rotten Tomatoes rating, some of those critics are very lukewarm about the film, adding caveats to their 'thumbs up' decision. I wouldn't go so far as to say that Captain Blood was a chore, finding many scenes daring and stunty, but the overall mood was just completely slain. Being in an age of Blu-Ray and CG doesn't help protect this ages-old classic, but it doesn't forgive it under the guise of 'context' either. With that over-the-top fool's bravery and those tragically painted backdrops we suffer just a little too much, not to mention the simple logic questions and lack of historical accuracy.

But all is not lost, kiddies! Captain Blood taught me that swashbuckling isn't seafaring-specific. Its definition is 'a swaggering or daring soldier or adventurer'.

 
Cheekiness in Dirtyville more like

Genre: Crime Romance Comedy

Starring: Herbert Marshall (Murder! • Angel Face), Kay Francis

Directed By: Ernst Lubitsch (Ninotchka • To Be or Not to Be)

Overview: A couple of crooks, including the famous thief Gaston Monescu, plan their next big score. They set their sights on casing Madame Mariette Colet's joint, wealthy owner of the Colet perfume company.

For those of you who don't know about the Hays Code, it was the set of censorship rules that came out in Hollywood in 1930. By 1934, the Hays Code was being rigidly enforced and Hollywood's films were, from that point on, officially made for the sake of entertainment only. As such, they couldn't show nudity or criminal processes, they couldn't be vulgar or tawdry, and anytime anyone committed an illegal act, they had to suffer for it. Sorry to spoiler every single Hollywood Film Noir that exists. Blame Will H. Hays. Trouble in Paradise, which came out just before the Hays Code started cracking down, is without a doubt the most immoral, the sleaziest and abhorrently gratuitous film I've ever seen from the 1930s - and boy is it every awesome!

We open with a regal couple, enjoying their magical night in a hotel room in Venice. In the lobby, a gentleman has just had his wallet, complete with 20,000 lira ($13,000 US by my calculations), stolen. Upstairs the regal couple toy seductively about how the other is the thief in question. When they each learn that the other is correct in their accusations, they embark on a trip to their next cash-in, targeting the lovely Mariette Colet, a woman seemingly richer than God, especially during this Great Depression. Gaston's plan is to charm the pants off the dame so completely that she hires him on as her secretary and trusted advisor, including allowing him to handle her finances. Pulling this off with great ease, the first thing he does is order the safe be filled with cash. All he has to do is wait for the next wave of bills to be deposited in a couple weeks, then make a sizeable withdrawal.

What makes Trouble in Paradise so different, so downright cheeky, is how bold these characters are. Gaston Monescu is our resplendent hero, and in no way a Noir-style, dark-clouded ill-fated one. He's slick and popular, he's a charmer and everything points to his ultimate success. His fly-by-night, super fun flapper girlfriend is fun, carefree and fun. The only wrench that might interfere with their electric lifestyle is Madame Mariette Colet herself, because she offers something to Gaston that no film made after 1934 would ever do: her own sweaty body. Hot sex. Yep. Not some idealized romance and love and promise of marriage. Just plain old Get-Down-Make-Love humpy time. The trouble in Gaston's paradise is that big, fat, juicy forbidden apple that Mariette has down below. When the Hays Code brought the hammer down, Trouble In Paradise just up and disappeared for decades. Well it's back. Check it out. Pure sin as its own reward is pretty tempting. Oh, and if you can't tell from the posters, his partner Lily has an idea about what's going on, and doesn't look too impressed.

Honestly, I'm surprised they didn't suggest a threesome.

Performance: 8 Cinematography: 7 Script: 8 Plot: 7 Mood: 7

Overall Rating: 74% (No Trouble At All, Sir)

Aftertaste:

I will admit, kiddies, it will take a good long time for modern audiences to get into Trouble In Paradise. It doesn't really suck one in until our hero plans the robbery of Mariette Colet in the second act. The elegant costumes and high society slant that the movie starts with certainly does a good job of defining itself as dated and different from an audience 80 years later, but once the story picks up, it's quite racy, choosing to run wild in a way you’d never expect it to.

Yeah, I'm reviewing the one starring JTT... Now stop snickering before I punch you.

Genre: Family Adventure Fantasy (USA, UK, France, Germany, Czech Republic)

Starring: Jonathan Taylor Thomas ("Home Improvement" • The Lion King), Martin Landau (North by Northwest • "Mission: Impossible")

Directed By: Steve Barron (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles • Coneheads)

Overview: In this Disney classic, a woodcarver fashions a marionette and wishes upon a star that it could be made into a real boy from a magical piece of wood. When the Blue Fairy appears to grant his wish, it is the magical wooden boy, Pinocchio, who must prove himself worthy of being a real life boy.

When Ben Saddington, Australian Filmsquish™ fan extraordinaire, read my review of Pinocchio, he felt sorry for me. So sorry in fact, that he promptly shipped me what was, in his opinion, a better version of the story. The version he sent me, he promised, was closer to the original 1880s tale. When I received it, however, there was a snag and it was one hell of a major one: it starred Tiger Beat heartthrob Jonathan Taylor Thomas. The picture below was the first thing I saw when I opened the package - that brutal image served as the cover of the videocassette. I squirmed. I doubted. I bolstered my courage with a bottle of Chardonnay and the Armenian member of our Hecklefest group. Avast! We would get through this though Hell or high water!

It's almost surreal seeing Udo Kier, Lars von Trier movie mainstay, as the villain. Stranger still is the presence of Rob Schneider, Adam Sandler movie mainstay, playing the corrupting fox and Bebe Neuwirth, whom you may know better as "Frasier" 's wife, in the role of his partner, the sly cat. Strangest of all is how well these actors adopt their roles. Knowing that Jonathan Taylor Thomas, or good ol' JTT as he's known to the young'uns, would be doing mostly voicing for his wooden character was certainly a boon. And although almost every Italian / Tuscan / whatever in this Period piece spoke with a British accent, it didn't distract me from quickly becoming immersed. The cautionary vignettes that Pinocchio suffers were not as heavy-handed and rife with over-the-top imagery as the 40s version we're accustomed to. We are graced with different and, I dare say, more enjoyable stories than in the over-rated Disney Pinocchio, and what surprised me most of all was how well the continuity linked our short-stories together into a tapestry that worked better as a whole than Walt's lukewarm production. Another thing I was quite pleased with was how the setting was genuinely fantastical, as opposed to being merely 'the world they lived in'. Let me give you an example: certain characters were genuinely shocked at the existence of an animated marionette, others quickly accustomed themselves, but always with some astonisment. The mysticism and magic in this world is a rare thing, but not unfathomable, and director Steve Barron did a glorious job of painting this universe of amazement for me. In the end I lauded how entertaining and well-made The Adventures of Pinocchio was, especially when compared to the precedent set by the 'original' film.

Eeesh, this image is NOT selling my case...

Performance: 8 Cinematography: 8 Script: 8 Plot: 8 Mood: 9

Overall Rating: 82% (Honest!)

Aftertaste:

Actually, there were 2 major snags, not just one. The second was that the VHS tape didn't actually work when we popped it in. Did you know that region coding exists with VHS tapes?! Well I had to figure it out the hard way. It's ok, we got a copy, but Australian VHS tapes are certainly not my PAL!

For those of you who were following the 1001 Must See Movies Club link, you probably wanted to see this 1940 Disney review that was assigned, right? Well, you just got the best of both worlds, now didn't you?

I Am A Fugitive From A Poignant Drama

Genre: Gangster Crime Drama

Starring: Paul Muni (I Am A Fugitive From A Chain Gang • The Life of Emile Zola), Ann Dvorak (Three on a Match • 'G' Men)

Directed By: Howard Hawks (His Girl Friday • Only Angels Have Wings), Richard Rosson

Overview: An upwardly mobile gangster works his way up to his downfall during prohibition.

But Hoo Boy does he ever loves to shoot things!

Performance: 6 Cinematography: 8 Script: 7 Plot: 8 Mood: 6

Overall Rating: 70% (Didn't Leave Much Of A Mark)

Aftertaste:

Scarface, for me, sat more in the realm of study than of entertainment, and for as much as it was obviously a film that helped define Noir, it was disappointing for someone who expected so much more.

Holy Oh Boy, those gams!

Genre: Film Noir Drama Thriller

Starring: John Dall (Rope • Spartacus), Peggy Cummings (Night Of The Demon)

Directed By: Joseph H. Lewis (The Big Combo • "The Rifleman")

Overview: When a couple of sharpshooters meet at a carnival, their whirlwind romance takes them to dizzying heights from robbery to armed robbery.

If you were to ask me to define Film Noir, apart from the established visual formula and the anti-hero characters, I'd say it would have gritty dialogue, long black cars, slick guys, sultry dames, guns, crimes and passion, passion, passion. Gun Crazy? Yeah, pretty much right bang on.

We begin with a troubled youth named Bart stealing a gun and promptly getting caught. At his juvie trial he explains that he stole the gun because he liked firing them, because he was good at it. We flash forward to years later when he's back in town after serving time in juvenile jail where he's talking to his friend about the time he spent there before joining the army. They cut loose by visiting the carnival sideshows where they quickly find a tent with a cowgirl sharpshooter act. Bart is overjoyed by Annie's skill with a pistol. The carney offers a challenge to anyone in the audience, a 10:1 bet that no one is as good as her. Bart outdoes her and instead of of taking her money, he asks for a job, falls for the girl, and soon gets caught up in a whirlwind romance that finds Bart madly in love, but certainly in over his head.

There's just something about cowgirls that makes me titter

What sets Gun Crazy apart for me is how intense Annie and Bart's romance is. It's obvious to both of them that where they're heading can't possible last, but as long as they're doing it together, they know in their hearts that they can do it forever. Add coppers, guns, wicked dialogue, characters and a plot similar to Bonnie and Clyde, and you've got yourself a pretty slick flick, without forgetting of course Peggy Cummings in the role of Annie - the very, very ravishing, Peggy Cummings.

She likes it rough... really really rough

Performance: 8 Cinematography: 7 Script: 8 Plot: 7 Mood: 8

Overall Rating: 76% (Dark as Noir)

Aftertaste:

I can safely say that I haven’t seen enough Film Noir to be able to rightly place this on a Film Noir Must See hierarchy, but given that it’s one of my favourite genres, I can assure that I’ll be watching a lot more. With the help of the internet the way it is, it’s nice to be able to just pull up great lists like this one and this one in seconds to help you in your task.